It was actually really nice because the day before we left the hosts had their cleaning lady come - so we didn’t have to do anything. That was amazing. Before she came though, Kris said: “We'll have to remove some of our most egregious shit smears before she arrives, lest she think we're fucking cavemen.” Ha. So we did.
Read MoreWe went and sat on the nearest bench and it was in the direct sunlight, but it was just cool enough that it was okay for a minute. But I always take longer to eat than him, so eventually he said, “Hork your ‘wich, gurrrrrl! I’m gettin cooked!”
Read MoreAnother evening we were enjoying the back patio and then the fucking dogs just started yapping. I said, “Goddamit Daisy, shut up, you're disturbing the peace.” And he said, “Imabout to go disturb the peace…..” (take a shit.)
Read MoreWe ate outside and My boyfriend's chair was in the sun and I saw him be annoyed at that.
I said: you can move your chair over here.
And he said: yeah, but I don't wanna have to. I want life to stop raw doggin' me.
Read MoreOne day we got a big ham leg on the bone and roasted it and the next day set the bone up in a crockpot to make broth. It was kind of a strong broth smell after a few hours and I asked him if he wanted to move the broth upstairs to contain the smell and he said, “Fuuuuuck no. I'm not walking upstairs with that boiling ham water.”
Read MoreThere’s literally something to do in all directions. Also, the cottage is about two minutes off the Linesway walking trail, which is a 5+ mile long trail connecting a few local villages. We’ve taken some amazing walks along that trail.
Read MoreEarlier in the day at Kenwood House we had learned that there was this old Lord Whoever The Fuck guy who had a bunch of kids with all his different mistresses and was generally kinda freaky and we overheard the docent describe him by saying:
Read MoreMe: I just don't want a cow to buck us into next Tuesday.
Him: Cows don't do that. Plus there wasn't a sign warning us of aggressive cows.
Me: Right but how often do they check that shit? It's not like someone's out here everyday checking they haven't gone mad cow.
Read MoreAberdeen seemed adorable and right away I loved it so much more than Edinburgh. We had another mile walk to our Airbnb and another self check in since our hosts weren’t home. The house was super darling and old and quirky. Our room was big and the bed was gigantic and comfortable.
Read MoreWe are NOT having bad nachos after this six course shit.
Read MoreAll the trains were cancelled, but they promised buses and taxis to replace the trains and get us top the airport on time.
Read MoreI told him his shrimp looked like baby dicks, he told me my salad looked like a pig's asshole. Makes sense.
Read MoreToday was a travel day so we woke up and started cleaning and packing before heading to Green Cafe for breakfast. Important things were discussed and googled, including "butterfly butthole tattoo".
Read MoreThe British Museum was our next stop and that was awful. It was gigantic and super hot inside on account of all the old shit that needed the proper humidity, and filled with gaggles of idiot tourists flocking to see the "greatest collection of art in the world". Maybe so, but it was not pretty inside, very poorly laid out and not engaging or accessible at all. We walked around for maybe 30 minutes and then got the fuck out of the there.
Read MoreIt was like when I went to see the Mona Lisa in Paris. I was like, ok, cool - it's an old ass famous ass painting - now get me the fuck out of here and away from these frumperific losers with their kids on leashes.
Read MoreBy chef I mean magician because this thai food wasn't like anything else I've ever put in my mouth. I had a creamy peanutty sauce with chicken over coconut rice and Kris had a fried rice dish that was layered with so many amazing flavors that shot off like fireworks in your mouth. The majority of the dishes were 6 pounds too. A goddamn steal.
Read MoreOn our way down we stopped in Liverpool to go to Central Perk - an "exact replica" of the coffee shop from Friends. It was totally novel, but the food was absolute crap. They had the big orange couch though, and lots of large TVs playing episodes of the show, so that was really fun.
Read MoreKris was feeling the funk so we stopped to get some garlic cloves to put up his butt and some effervescent vitamin c. Then we stopped for lunch at Teacup on Thomas and so Kris could put the garlic to work. It seemed really funny to me - Kris going to the bathroom to put garlic up his ass at a proper tea house.
Read MoreAnd the best part - they had a bathtub that was shiny and inviting. James made me toast and I ate it in the bath.
Read MoreOn the bus driving through Rome:
Katie: Where do you think the bus is going to drop us?
Kris: The fuck off.
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