He's Got Garlic Up His Ass! {London & Rome 2013}

Day 10, September 17

This morning was bittersweet as it was our last with James in Manchester. We weren't in a rush though, so we got to hang out a bit before it was time to leave. I made coffee in the french press that Kris drank, but James dumped his out because it was too weak. Ha! I can't seem to make a decent cup of coffee or tea for that guy.

We left around 11 and James said we were welcome back anytime, to call him if we needed anything - if we lost our wallets and needed money or our plans fell through and we needed to come back. He is just the greatest guy. A real friend for life.

Kris was feeling the funk so we stopped to get some garlic cloves to put up his butt and some effervescent vitamin c. Then we stopped for lunch at Teacup on Thomas and so Kris could put the garlic to work. It seemed really funny to me - Kris going to the bathroom to put garlic up his ass at a proper tea house.

The food was delicious and we had the same hot waitress wearing the same tight pants as before that Kris was drooling over.

We got to the bus station and realized we didn't have our bus ticket number. There was no wi-fi in the station so Kris ran back to the public square that had wi-fi and I stayed in line to get on the bus. It took him a while and he came back unsuccessful. I went up to the ticket window, but there was nothing they could do. I mean - I'm sure there was, but they were assholes. A girl in line heard us talking back and forth and she offered her smart phone so we could pull up our email. That was so nice and I am glad she offered because I hadn't even thought of that. If we're ever in that situation again I'll just ask someone if they have a phone we could use. She was the sweetest - she literally used her phone to get on and passed it backwards to us as she was stepping onto the bus. I’m so glad that worked.

We hadn't too far back in line but we still didn't get to sit together. That kind of sucked, only because the bus is cramped so if I'm going to be squished next to someone, I'd rather it be my hot boyfriend. At least I was on the aisle. Across the aisle from me was a real beast of a woman - chubby, sweaty, nasty, in ill fitting sweat pants, a giant sweat shirt, dirty sneakers, a greasy frizzy ponytail and a bag full of crap food and drinks. She had a terrible British accent and seemed to be drunk. I wish I could've gotten video of her.

The bus ride ended up being not so bad, but I was ready to get off by the time we got to London 5 hours later. We deemed it “A Special Kind of Hell: The £5 Bus to London Victoria Coach Station”. I had a headache, was tired, dirty, hungry and sick of carrying my backpack around. Although thank fuck I just had the one back pack. I couldn't imagine lugging around any more.

The bus dropped us at Victoria Station - a huge station in London akin to Grand Central or Penn, but little did we know we had actually been dropped in a little annex building of the main station. But we didn't know that. So we're wandering around the annex and we can't find anything or anyone to ask and everyone we do ask is totally out of it and can't help us. We got to the main building of the main station, but it was under construction and there was no signage, so it didn't look like we were in the main station - it looked like we were in a shopping mall. You had to go around some secret corner to get to the hallway that led to the main station. And even there - it was awful. The signage was terrible, the British bastard at the ticket counter was a total condescending fucking asshole who clearly hated tourists. We finally got wi-fi so we googled a route, but little did we know - google does not differentiate between the different trains. It just says "take the train" but there are three different types of trains in London that all share the same tracks and platforms and take the oyster card - the over ground, the under ground and the national rail.

We walked back and forth between the annex and the main station several times because we kept getting pointed by someone to go back. It was just awful. A giant lesson in how crucial planning ahead of time is. We should've worked this all out before we even left Manchester. I hate getting off a train in a new place and not knowing what the fuck to do next. I like to know exactly where I'm supposed to go and exactly how to get to my next destination.

Long story longer, we walked back and forth between the two stations and a ton of unhelpful idiots trying to figure out what the fuck to do for over two hours. Two hours of mind numbing mind fucking hell. After finally finding someone who was actually helpful and amazing, we got on the train (it was the last train and we literally ran onto it as the doors were closing) and then found our bus and with help from another stranger (since the bus driver was a douchebag) we arrived at our host's house - 3.5 hours after our bus arrived (it should've taken us an hour or less). Even just finding the house was difficult. We were on the street and looking for unit #10. Of course there was unit 1-9 facing the street. Where the fuck was 10? Ok, maybe it's upstairs? How the fuck do you get upstairs? We wandered around back of the building and found a back door. There was a call box next to the door that has 4 buttons. The first one was for unit 12, the second one for unit 11, and the third and fourth ones weren't labeled. We figured it was safe to assume to third one is for unit 10 and thank fuck it was. Couldn't have been more confusing though.

Thankfully our host, Bill, was totally awesome. An adorable British bachelor with a super cute apartment who made us feel right at home. We freshened up and then went out for food because we were getting delirious. We went into the pub and the guy was so nice. He said the kitchen was closed, but he might be able to wrangle us up a piece of cake or something. We decided to try the Chinese food place across the street. Chinese people with British accents! So funny. And the food was fantastic.

We came back home and chatted with Bill for a bit exchanging host stories, which is always fun. Then we showered and dropped into bed.

Day 11, September 18

Today was super lazy. We explored the neighborhood where we are staying, Greenwich, and then walked over to another neighborhood, Blackheath, and the best gelato ever at a little place called Black Vanilla. It was seriously amazing. And we had a pastry that was a layer of shortbread, then caramel, then chocolate. I also took this glorious portrait of my boyfriend in the window:

We played frisbee for a bit at the nearby park and then went to a produce stand and got some stuff to make risotto for dinner and rice pudding for dessert — the kitchen at our Airbnb was really cute.

Our host didn't get back until later in the evening, and when he did he was super tipsy and hilarious. He rides his bike everywhere and he's very serious about it. He came in the house with a giant helmet on, bike shorts and a proper bike shirt.

He was chatting away to us in the kitchen and at one point he farted, but it happened so fast I thought to myself....wait a minute - did he just fart? And then he said "Oh, don't mind the fart, it's just a beer fart." and I said "Oh, that's nothing. He's (Kris) got garlic up his ass". Kris started laughing and said, "Tell him why I've got the garlic up there! You can't just leave it at that!"

At one point Kris and I were muttering to each other planning our route for the next day and Bill said, "Thank fuck you call it the tube. So many people call it the Metro and I just wanna smack 'em"

He asked what we were doing in the coming days and I said that Friday we'd just go somewhere cute for breakfast and then head up to the airport. He said, "Wait, wait - back up a little - did you say 'go somewhere cute for breakfast'?" He thought that was the funniest thing ever. He said, "I'm going to go up to the first person I see tomorrow and say - hey! Do you wanna go somewhere cute for breakfast? Who could say no to that?"

Then he had to find something he thought I might think was funny and repeat. He said "I've said this before, but it bears repeating" That was his "saying". And I do think it's funny and I will use it.

Day 12, September 19th

Went back to Black Vanilla today for more euphoria via their gelato. Then I took this cute picture of my boyfriend while we were walking to the VodaPhone store:

Then we checked out of Bill's and went to meet our couch surfing host, Sally, who lives on a boat and was hosting us that night. Look how cute her boat is! She had little vignettes in every nook and cranny and we got to sleep in this little nest:

We ventured back out for a bit and walked through an absolutely beautiful park that had a little secret garden in the middle:

Then we had dinner at a place near the boat called The Yellow House. Everything is freshly made in house. Kris' pizza was insane and our dessert was so delicious - a fudgy brownie with home made white chocolate ice cream on top.

Afterwards we went back and hung out on the boat with Sally and her neighbor, Dave. Dave was awesome. He totally "got" us. He used to work for Exon and made tons of money and traveled the world, but soon realized that he was just another robot, totally expendable and meaningless. He quit, bought a boat, went back to school and did lots of traveling. He has a house in Brighton and invited us there on our way back through England.

It was such a fun scene on the boat - crammed in this tiny space, drinking wine, listening to Billie Holiday on the record player, talking about world travels and the meaning of life.

Day 13, September 20th

This morning we packed up and left the boat and had a lovely walk along the river on our way to the tube station.

We had some trouble finding the station - it's always my instinct to ask people, but Kris is so tethered to his phone. But whatdoyaknow! Asking an actual human was faster. A nice guy sitting on his front stoop pointed us in the right direction.

I don't if it was because it was early and we were delirious or what, but everything was cracking us up. A little girl and her parents walked by us. I said, "Ohmygawd that little girl was so cute" and Kris giggled and said, "That little girl grabbed that guys cock" (an accident, as she was reaching for his hand). We laughed about that for minutes.

We walked across Tower Bridge, which was super fun and scenic, and made our way to The Kitchen. We sat outside and this adorable German kid was our server. He had the cutest gay German accent ever. Loved him. Kris had the full English breakfast and I ordered toast with peanut butter. They brought me a pile of a toast and a giant jar of peanut butter. Ha!

I asked: Are you gonna poop here? Because, I mean, you're going to have to poop in public at some point today, right?

Kris: Yeah. I've been thinking about that for a while. That at some point today, I'd be walking around with a dirty asshole. It's not the pooping in public per se, it's the dirty butt part that I hate.

Katie: Dude. I've been wearing the same underwear for two days. It's like I have a grilled swiss cheese sandwich between my legs. A dirty vag is way worse than a dirty butthole.

Then we hopped on a train to the airport and flew to Rome. The sandwiches we had bought to take on the plane were so delicious. I had a baguette with caramelized sweet onions and thick "mature" cheddar that I would eat every single day. So yummy.

Katie: Fuck. I can't wait to take a shower.
Kris: I can't wait to wash my ass.
Katie: I can't wait to wash my everything
Kris: You better make sure to get that mouse trap in your pants.

A few minutes later I said: "You know what would've been funny? Instead of "mouse trap?" Fondue pot.
Kris: Ahahaha. Gross.
Katie: Cuz then I could've asked you if you wanted to dip your stick in my fondue pot.

We hopped on a bus from the Rome Airport to the center of town and walked over to our airbnb host's house from there.

He was a super sweet Italian guy - showed us the room, gave us the keys and we never saw him again so it was like having the whole place to ourselves. The room was spotless and had everything we could've needed. It had an awesome loft bed that was very comfy. It looks like he actually rents out the whole apartment now, which is even better. Here’s a link.

The bathroom looked like a little space ship - small, but super modern, efficient and clean. We freshened up and then started our epic walk to this pizza place Kris had seen Anthony Bourdain rave about: Pizzarium.

It was worth the walk. The pizza was amazeballs and everyone that worked there was so fucking nice. They had such interesting combinations like pine nuts and caramelized peppers, or potatoes, cheese and melted butter. Super yum. It was all sold by the pound so you could get a tiny piece of everything: