It was actually really nice because the day before we left the hosts had their cleaning lady come - so we didn’t have to do anything. That was amazing. Before she came though, Kris said: “We'll have to remove some of our most egregious shit smears before she arrives, lest she think we're fucking cavemen.” Ha. So we did.
Read MoreWe went and sat on the nearest bench and it was in the direct sunlight, but it was just cool enough that it was okay for a minute. But I always take longer to eat than him, so eventually he said, “Hork your ‘wich, gurrrrrl! I’m gettin cooked!”
Read MoreAnother evening we were enjoying the back patio and then the fucking dogs just started yapping. I said, “Goddamit Daisy, shut up, you're disturbing the peace.” And he said, “Imabout to go disturb the peace…..” (take a shit.)
Read MoreWe ate outside and My boyfriend's chair was in the sun and I saw him be annoyed at that.
I said: you can move your chair over here.
And he said: yeah, but I don't wanna have to. I want life to stop raw doggin' me.
Read MoreFucking fuuuuuuck our time in France was a super mixed bag. If I could go back in time and just straight up not do it, I think I probably would. But that’s sort of a moot point. It was so fucking lovely meeting Kris’ French teacher and her husband though. They literally saved the trip and are the reason I will look back on it fondly.
Read MoreHot damn, Scotland was fun! Coming off of a week in Budapest in an Airbnb, we were excited to head to our first housesitting gig -- albeit a little nervous that it was too good to be true. Thankfully it wasn’t! And they were a lot of other things about our time there that just made the experience as a whole really fucking fantastic.
Read MoreAfter he was done we decided to walk over to a nearby mexican food place we had visited on our last trip and get burritos for dinner. He was farting a lot on the walk home, but just casually farting like mid-sentence, so I said -- “I can’t talk to you when you’re frothing at the butthole.”
Read MoreIt was pretty hairy there for a minute but it was sorta like what are your options? The rental market was fucked. Couldn’t get a mortgage so couldn’t buy. Can’t keep doing $2500 a month Airbnbs, jesus H. fuck. Didn’t have any family options like parents or aunties with room for us long-term. Didn’t have any friend options like that either. So what the fuck, right?
Read MoreBetween the booster, the variant, the coffee machine, the amazing house, and Kris getting an Oculus, it took us a couple of weeks to even really start to venture out into Rockford. The house was such an oasis.
Read MoreBut I just did not want to feel their wet slimy tongues on my hand and also I knew it’d be that thing like when you’re at someone’s house and you pet their dog and then the dog doesn’t leave you the fuck alone for the rest of the entire night and you kind of low key regret it. You know? I didn’t want these giant ass alpacas all up in my shit.
Read MoreI’ve also had this funny thing happen recently where I’ll have a shit sneak up on me. Like I’ll just sit down to pee thinking it’s nothing and all the sudden have to take a massive shit. Which sometimes is a problem because you can’t reach the bathroom door from the toilet, so there’s been a handful of times I’ve had to call for him to come and shut the door for me and it’s just so goddamn funny.
Read MoreSo, yeah. Covid, borders, travel, fuckery, blah blah blah we decided to come back to the U.S. and live on our friends schoolbus. The thought of landing somewhere supportive and welcoming and with actual friends quickly started to seem like a no-brainer.
Read MoreWe got to the airport and followed the signs to first class. Did you know first class was a whole different part of the airport? I thought we’d like go to a different desk and then have to go through security and just herp da derp to wherever the first class lounge was.
Read MoreHoly hell our time in Perth has been an absolute roller coaster. It sort of feels like two distinct phases: the first half where we thought we were staying in Europe, and the second half where we had decided to live on the bus. I know, right?
Read MoreDecember 31, 2020 @ 11:47pm we had this funny fake argument:
Him: I think I have a shit in me. But i don't wanna be shittin' at midnight.
Me: Oh my gawd just go right now and get it over with!!!
Read MoreMostly fucking photos because: Edinburgh.
Read MoreOne day we got a big ham leg on the bone and roasted it and the next day set the bone up in a crockpot to make broth. It was kind of a strong broth smell after a few hours and I asked him if he wanted to move the broth upstairs to contain the smell and he said, “Fuuuuuck no. I'm not walking upstairs with that boiling ham water.”
Read MoreThere’s literally something to do in all directions. Also, the cottage is about two minutes off the Linesway walking trail, which is a 5+ mile long trail connecting a few local villages. We’ve taken some amazing walks along that trail.
Read MoreWe made it to the airport and it was all like an out of body experience. I was still really scared. I didn’t know if Kris was going to make it through the flight, or if we would make it to England, or if they would treat him there or if he would have to have an expensive surgery or if they would send us the fuck home or what was going to happen next.
Read MoreEarlier in the day at Kenwood House we had learned that there was this old Lord Whoever The Fuck guy who had a bunch of kids with all his different mistresses and was generally kinda freaky and we overheard the docent describe him by saying:
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