We spent the holy shit best month in New Jersey in December of 2021. I had high hopes for our actual Airbnb, but I did not expect the little town and surrounding areas to be as cool as they were.

So okay - we spent a few months in Connecticut and a whole buncha shit happened - and then we were notified we had to be out by the end of November. Cue the suck ass frantic searching around for a new temporary home. At some point, Kris had found this bonerific mid century house on Airbnb in Rockford that we just-for-fun had been drooling over for a bit. We had literally zero direction so we were just looking everywhere and more or less were just looking for the best Airbnb. That mid century place was expensive, but it seemed worth a shot to see if they’d give us a monthly discount, and they did and we decided fuck it, let’s do it. BUT. The house wasn’t ready until January, so we had to book a random month somewhere else first - cue December in New Jersey. We found a highly rated little guest house on a larger property with a host that everyone spoke super highly of, so it seemed like a fun place to spend a month.

It was in north western New Jersey, right on the Pennsylvania border which was cool because that was a state we really wanted to explore also. The guest house was darling and had huge picture windows that looked out onto a super landscaped gigantic 2 acre backyard that had tons of bird feeders and trees and squirrels and shit. It was great. Also our host, Tara, was great and had a fuckin adorable floppy eared hound dog named Bart who would toddle around out there and it was cute as fuck.

Tara was a super attentive host while at the same had set the place up for the utmost privacy so it was like the best of both worlds. A week or so into our stay she asked what we do, sort of in the vein of - you guys don’t seem to stick to any kind of schedule and seem to just do whatever whenever, so what gives? When we told her we were living off crypto she about busted her nut. She was super fun to talk to and was very interested in learning about investing and finance in general, and was also super into the idea of crypto. She conceptually knew it was something she needed to know about, but she just didn’t know where to go or what to do. She asked if she could buy us dinner and pick our brains and that ended up being really fun.

Since it was still covid-y, she would just pick up posh take out and we’d eat in the main house and chat and then move to the living room and she’d just hammer Kris with questions and it was great - he got her all set up and she was super grateful and how fun for her, you know? Just hosting randos thru Airbnb and boom, you’re buying crypto. I don’t know, it was just funny. What a time to be alive.

The second day we were there we decided to go out for lunch and were just looking around on the map for a good lookin sandwich place. We found Gourmet Gallery, which was a few miles down the road in the next town over — Blairstown — and decided to check it out. It was on this adorable old timey lookin’ main street scene and the town literally looked like time had stood still. It was so cute. They had an adorable front porch where we sat and ate and then walked around a bit after. It kinda looked familiar but I couldn’t place it and when we got home I googled it. Turns out it’s fucking Blairstown, New Jersey which is where they shot Friday the 13th. How hilarious and fucking random is that?? Of course we had to watch it that night and sure as shit, one of the opening scenes is some dumb skank trundling down the street with a huge backpack on and it’s the dang main street where we ate sandwiches. I mean literally Blairstown has a population of like 5,000 people so it was beyond random.

“In the early fall of 1979 filmmaker Sean. S. Cunningham chose the area in and around scenic Blairstown, NJ as the location to film his low budget horror film. Blairstown offered the rural and rustic charm needed as the backdrop for the movie. The town has remained virtually the same as the time the film was made in the late 70s.”

The little main street was cute as shit though and we had sandwiches there a few different times, and also there was an Earth Fart across the street where I bought a fuck ton of fancy bath salts over the course of our stay. The tub at the Connecticut house was a hell hole so I was super stoked to have a nicer bath scene at this Airbnb.

Also there were nice robes and one day there was a bug that flew out of a hanging bathrobe and landed on the bathroom mirror.

I said: "Hey, come get this bug. And also it was in the bathrobe - - what if it had crawled up my pussy?" (This is my greatest fear)

And he asked what i would've done had it crawled up my pussy

I never had considered that before, but quite quickly said, "I would probably pass out from panic and then just hope you were able to ascertain what happened and be able to dig the bug out of my pussy before I came to."

Another day we were just looking for somewhere nearby to just take a fucking walk and everywhere on the map we went to was like not accessible to the public - the sort of scene where there was no parking, it was only accessible to the local residents. That was lame as hell, but we ended up stumbling on an actual park that was pretty small and was just a field, but it butted right up to a small airport and the tiny planes and gliders flew super low right over the field so it was actually really fucking cool and we’d go there just to do laps and watch the planes. It was called Sycamore Park and we ended up going there a bunch.

We explored Pennsylvania a bit too and ended up really fucking liking it. It’s just loads of nice scenery and twisty back roads and cute little towns. One day we drove over to Allentown to have a little walk around, but it was kinda bullshit. Allentown was like a proper city - I mean not like a gigantic city, but you know - large, okay? We parked in their downtown at a meter and started walking towards a restaurant I had thought looked good on the map, but upon seeing it in person it actually looked like a shit hole so then we were standing in the ass fuck freezing cold wind, hungry and at a loss. Ha. Some map searching led us to this little brunch place that had outdoor seating with huge heaters and that actually ended up being nice except that I got ass fucked on my brunch again and had another undercooked poached egg. Why can no one fucking poach an egg? And who serves an egg with visibly raw whites? Like I’m all about the runny yolk, but the whites look like a fucking loogy. Ew. But anyway there was a cute dog bundled into a fancy dog bed at the next table and the waitress felt really bad and gave me my iced coffee for free so that was cool. We walked back to the car and drove around a bit and found this super swanky neighborhood full of mega old fancy historic houses and then this super fantastic park - Trexler Park. I mean - it was fabulous, it reminded me of Hampstead Heath.

Wait hold on, can you check the photo? I think I did something dumb with my face. Uh, yeah you did, yer eyes were closed you knucklehead.

Me: Can you take a picture of me? I feel cute today……Ugh, take another one, I look dumb af. Do I look dumb still? How do I not look dumb? I don’t know what to do with my arms.

Him: It just is what it is.

Me: Oooooo I love winter sun, let’s sit in the sun.

Him: Oh goddamnit what? There goddamn ground? There’s a bench right over there.

Another day we were looking for a coffee roaster and found the cutest place ever that was just a couple of towns over - in Belvidere, NJ. It had the most adorable interior and we sat and had coffee and treats.

Then we walked around after not knowing what to expect because the town seemed small and kind of run down, but holy shit it ended up being the coolest place ever and our walk was so cool. There was a town square that was a huge green space with loads of benches and it was surrounded on all sides by gigantic historic houses that were all super unique and beautiful. It was more Stars Hollow-y than anything we saw in Connecticut.

I asked him: Are you crapping your fucking pants right now? And he said: No, but I can see why you are.

Also he wanted to write on all the missing cat posters “probably dead”.

And every time we walked by a Methodist church he’d wanna know what method they were using.

A few days later we stumbled on literally the cutest town ever like honestly I hope to live there someday I was just so fucking tickled by it - Easton, Pennsylvania. Fuck it was cute. It was such a random find, too - again I was just looking on the map for fantastic coffee shops and came across this one called Three Birds that was set up in an old Victorian mansion and that was reason enough for me to go to Easton. We started there and had the best time and then walked around and just had our fuckin pants charmed right off it was so cute.

It was bigger, but not too big and very walkable and everything you would want on the daily as a local - cafes, vintage shops, little markets, a food hall, a yoga studio, all kinds of thrift stores I mean it was just so cute I couldn’t even. It reminded me of the east village - just tons of funk, but very neighborhood-y and livable. I loved it so much. After coffee we went into a vintage shop called Yellow Balloon and I ended up scoring a couple of really cute sweaters and a fantastic teal coat. Oh, and an adorable watch. It was so fun.

Then we stumbled on the magical Easton food hall that was full of all of these little vendors that had the most amazing food. We got so much yummy shit and some great produce, including a gigantic carrot that I posted on Instagram that ended up leading me to a super great new friend who is actually a mutual friend of a doula client I had like 13 years ago. How fucking random is that? But yeah - connected over a phallic carrot. And then told each other our life stories over zoom. God bless.

Another day Kris found an “alpaca experience” on Airbnb so we decided to go and do it. The whole thing was kinda weird, but ultimately it was a funny story and made for some fun pictures and we got some bangin alpaca wear, so I mean - whatever right? But yeah - it was literally just this lady who had a fuck ton of alpacas in her back yard and we just like stood around and she told us about them. Like, that was it. I mean - she did share some fun facts like - alpacas are induced ovulators, did you know that? If they are near a male and they like him and want to mate, they’ll drop an egg and are fertile for 21 days afterwards. They often have to mate more than once for it to happen, but! They know they are pregnant within days. So if a male comes up to them, or their owner tries to bring them near a male and they are already pregnant, they will hiss and spit and not let the dude anywhere near them.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I figured it’d be cooler, or the “alpaca farm” was like an awesome property at least - one that would be cool to get a chance to see and walk around, or that maybe there’d be hot beverages or something. But it was just this semi awkward lady and her super awkward assistant and a bunch of alpacas that she kept trying to get me to feed, but I was like yeah, no thanks that’s not my thing and you could tell she was like “Oh shit, this is all I have to offer - to feed my alpacas and this bitch doesn’t want to, so fuck, what now”. Hahahahaha. But I just did not want to feel their wet slimy tongues on my hand and also I knew it’d be that thing like when you’re at someone’s house and you pet their dog and then the dog doesn’t leave you the fuck alone for the rest of the entire night and you kind of low key regret it. You know? I didn’t want these giant ass alpacas all up in my shit.

Also the lady was funny, like - she had chickens, but you could tell she didn’t know shit about them and was a really inexperienced farmer in general, which made it even funnier that she was like monetizing her scene, like. It was just so weird. We were just admiring her chicken coop (Fort Cluck) and she started showing us her chickens and it hit me that like - we just are not her target market, like her whole thing probably appeals to east coast “city people” who have literally never walked in dirt and certainly have never seen a domesticated chicken in a little house and so normally people just freak the geek out I’m sure. But like - coming from Phoenix it was different and we had chickens and lived all up in an urban farm scene so what she had going on was dumb as fuck first of all, and second of all was nothing new.

But anyway - she’s showing us these fucking birds and she opens the nesting box and of course they all pop their heads out and Kris and I were both like - close the box lady, close the fucking box and of course she didn’t and of course one of them flew out because that’s what chickens do and that’s why you don’t linger with their fucking boxes open and then her trying to get it was a fucking joke and ultimately it was Kris who got the fucker back in the coop and the whole thing was very funny so that was good. (P.S. that’s where cock and crow comes from - my boyfriend is the cock because he is the chicken master + was regrowing his foreskin at the time we came up with the name, and I am the crow because I’m always on about something, which hasn’t changed).

And i mean - don’t get me wrong, the alpacas are fucking cute. And they all had cute names and then Kris walked a llama and of course the lady was like - do you want to walk it and I was like no, that’s okay. Like - it was so dumb, you just walk a llama around in a ten foot circle like you’re at a goddamn petting zoo. I got a few pictures of my boyfriend and that was enough for me.

And I bought an alpaca poncho which legit is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever owned but also funny - it’s not like the lady makes them hahahaha she literally just resells them so I probably could’ve gotten it cheaper somewhere else, but I mean whatevs. It’s beautiful and I feel beautiful in it and afterwards we drove to fancy ass Montclair, New Jersey and I wore it all day and it was so fun.

So yeah - Montclair though, holy shit that was an amazing city. Anecdotally I knew it was like “fancy NJ” where the rich people lived, but it like really really was. They had a downtown that looked like something outta northern california and they had some fucking incredible parks (Like Eagle Rock) with views of the NYC skyline and the houses were just off the fucking actual chain. 10/10 would live there too and it almost felt like a posh underground fancy pants secret village. Like how about we dine at a steakhouse buried in a park up on a hill that looks onto Manhattan? That’s almost cooler than being in NYC. Also we had a fucking amazing lunch there at Brick & Dough, and another amaze balls coffee experience at Paper Plane. Christ. Shit is rich out this way.

We drove around and checked out a few more parks - one was called Kip’s Castle and “castle” was a bit of a reach, ha. And another was an old historic house that was a private venue but had public gardens and the grounds were really cool - it was called the Van Vlek House and Gardens. There were a bunch of posts with the funny names of the plants on them and I found two very good options for stripper names:

And then we went to yet another darling park with a huge ass lake, a nice path and the whole thing was surrounded by fabulous houses. What a cool ass place to live.

A few days later we actually went back to Easton to putz around some more and also to go back to the fancy food market so that Kris could get some duck breasts and make this delicious dinner he saw on Instagram. We scored the breasts and then got a little nibble to sit outside and enjoy - Kris had ramen that was bomb and I had a nice ass bowl of clam chowder. We also shared literally the best blondie I’ve ever had in my entire life and usually when my boyfriend and I share delicate fancy things - neither one of us wants to take the last bite, so we just take smaller and smaller bites and keep passing it back and forth wanting the other person to have the last bite and I thought i’d share that extremely wholesome tidbit.

And that teal coat I had bought? I wanted the shoulder pads taken out and our Airbnb host pointed us to a tailor and the “tailor” ended up being this fucking hilarious quirky dutch grandma with the most unassuming shop front that disguised the magical little lady cave she hangs out and creates in all day. The front room was like a random ass antique shop and the back room was seriously a proper fucking lady cave - a regal dining table covered in red velvet and the whole room dripping with tapestries and candelabras and sewing machines and there were mannequins dressed with 20s beaded flapper dresses and old hat boxes and delicate crystal and china and loads of treasures and it was dark but warmly lit and holy shit it was straight out of a movie. Just so cool. And she did my coat up right nice. I didn’t get a picture of her, but she looked like Phoebe’s grandma from Friends.

Then for some random ass reason one day we decided to explore Hacketstown, NJ - I don’t even remember why. Maybe the promise of a good sandwich place. But somehow we ended up eating at this extremely hole in the wall super authentic family run costa rican place called El Tucan and we got the birria tacos and holy shit that was no joke. Also I had the beef stew and it was insane. And it was totally a grandma, a mom and her son + his daughter. He was hot as hell like holy shit and so nice and I would eat there every day just to stare at him and have him bring frozen mango drinks. We checked out a couple of nearby parks and took a nice walk in Stephens State Park and then headed home scheming if we could make it back there to have those tacos one more time before our stay was over.

And then on Christmas we had a white christmas with it snowing for the first time so that was kind of classic and adorable. Fun fact: I used to think it automatically snowed if it was below freezing. …before I could compute that snow was just frozen rain. …therefore the same conditions for rain must be present. Anyway…..

On Christmas eve we decided to go and check out Jim Thorpe which is some quaint little town that was recommended and it was quaint as fuck but it was also touristy as fuck and that kinda killed it. Like Easton wasn’t touristy - people just live there and it’s really chill and fun to walk around. But Jim Thorpe was like walking around fucking Sedona, it was just a bit overrun and not somewhere you’d want to like “hang out”.

But it was cute and I bought some tiny crystal friendship wieners and we walked around another fucking park afterwards and I ended up squatting to piss and then using Kris’ mask to wipe, which is basically a love story. So, you know.

And then a few days later it was time to head out, to our destiny in Rockford, Illinois. No, but seriously. It’s like our dream house and it will be so much fun to stay in and who knows what will end up finding there or where we’ll go next. WHO THE FUCK EVEN KNOWS.

Off Our Nut For a Month in Eastern Pennsylvania {Dec 2021}