A Week in Sussex (August 2023)

August 11-18 / Newick, Sussex, England

The start to our reservation here in Sussex was a little strange in that the host didn’t actually go out of town. So I’ll back up a minute and give some context -- we had chosen this reservation just like all the others and set up a video call with the host. She seemed perfectly nice and fine and the house looked great so we got everything confirmed. And it was only 35 minutes away from Tunbridge Wells where we’d done our previous sit. The host had said she’d look up the bus schedule and get back to us, and I half figured she’d see how dumb the bus schedule was and just offer to pick us up since it was so close. 

Our reservation was getting closer and closer and we still hadn’t heard from the host. I ended up messaging her a few days before our reservation started. I sourced a bus route that dropped us about 15 minutes from her house so I asked if she could pick us up. She said sure, but then added that she should tell us her dad was in the hospital and she wasn’t going out of town. Uh…….what? 

That felt super awkward. She said her dad had a massive stroke some weeks ago and she was now no longer going, but would be staying down the road at her mom’s house for a few days. Our reservation was for a week so I was like….a few days? Does she mean a week? Why isn’t she being more clear? Are her husband and kids going on the trip without her? They’re not going to be there, right? Do I even need to ask that? It just felt so awkward. She also mentioned that she would be coming back to the house a couple of times to “pick up a few things”, which is against the housesitting website’s terms and conditions, but I mean - what was I gonna do? Say that wasn’t technically allowed, and then have her say well okay then take a hike? 

It’s in those moments where I just hate stuff like this where you’re not in control and the other person has all the power and they could totally fuck you over if they wanted to and it all just feels so unstable. 

Anyway. That caused a lot of anxiety, but ultimately it was like well - I mean what can we do? She could’ve told us weeks ago and we could’ve found another housesit, but she didn’t, and at this point it was too late. So all we could really do was just hope for the best. 

Also it was kind of lame actually because our two house sits were so close together -- it put us in this funny position of having a few hours to kill. The house sit we were leaving -- the hosts there were getting home around noon. But we didn’t want to get to the new housesit that early….so we decided we’d just have a long lunch at the local Wetherspoon’s and just chillax with our computers or something. All of the Wetherspoon’s we had previously been to were basically like gigantic coffee shops. They’re pubs, but it’s super informal and they’re generally very large and there’s no table service -- you either order at the bar or via an app, so it’s super autonomous and easy to just sit there for an extended period of time. Also they’re generally spacious, cheap coffee, clean bathrooms, all the things. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Of course not the Wetherspoon’s in shit hole Tunbridge Wells. It just capped off our time there in the most cliche way. The Tunbridge Wells Wetherspoons was a shit hole. 

It was small and cramped and loud and crowded and all the tables were sticky and there was carpet that was soaked with beer and it was like being in a ghetto Vegas casino off the strip. It was fuckin awful to have to sit there for hours and the food sucked a gigantic dick. It was like bowling alley food. But we had all our luggage obviously so it’s not like we had a lot of choice for other places to go.

Eventually we went to catch our bus to Tunbridge Wells and it was an uncroweded local bus, so that was fine. 

And the host was totally fine -- though she was one of those hyperactive, stressed, over-caffeinated Hannah Waddington types, but I mean - she was nice! It’s funny though - she was just existing at such high speed and it was just kind of unnecessary? Like she is over stressed and whacked out and full of anxiety because of…..herself. Like for example we got there and she starts putting together a sort of overcomplicated dinner and then her kids come home and then she decides we need to go to the pub so she whacks the chicken in the oven, we hop in the car and go to the pub, get drinks, sit down, finish the drinks, immediately leave, rush back to the house, like it was sort of comical. We were literally at the pub for like 20 minutes, like why?

Also she drank a lot. And she’s one of those scatterbrained people who presents like she’s so important - you know? Like she’s the most busy and important person in the entire world. It was sort of obnoxious. But again - she was nice! Just not someone I’d want to spend more than one evening with. And it would be the kind of thing where I’d think, “Well let me ask her something about herself, just to get a conversation going….” So I asked her how she met her husband….thinking that would lead to her asking how Kris and I met and it would be a fun back and forth. But nope, she just talked about herself. Ha. 

But the house was super awesome!! Her style is impeccable and it was the only house where we were like wow - I would buy this and live here right now. It was very scandi, very midcentry, super warm and comfortable and lived in. 

It was funny though - we sat down to dinner and she was the most aggressive eater I’ve ever witnessed. Like she clinged and clanged her cutlery on the dinner plate and aggressively cut her chicken (which was super tender, by the way). Then she had made a fruit crumble for dessert and it was the same thing - she served it up in bowls, sat down and just like super aggressively and quickly ate it like she was in the military or something. It was so weird. 

Eventually we went up to get settled and go to bed. Once again we were in another room where you couldn’t really stand up because of the pitched roof. I’m so tired of being crammed in these bullshit rooms. Ha. Also there was a death trap metal spiral staircase leading up to the room, so that was fun to carry our luggage up. Fucks sake. And the bathroom was obviously down at the bottom of the staircase. Hard no. I pissed in a tupperware. I ain’t risking my life or a broken toe to piss in the middle of the night. 

The next morning was just as frantic. We got up and she was already in the kitchen and had already had 4 espressos and no food. Like. What the fuck? She had mentioned going to the bakery so we were kind of waiting around for that. We made ourselves coffee and then scrounged around for something to eat, but they didn’t have any breakfast food - like no cereal, yogurt, etc. And none of them ate breakfast - not even the kids. That was bizarre. Eventually we just made some toast. And then a couple of hours went by and we were like - I guess we’ll just walk to the bakery? Because it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen with her. Also it was awkward because she was just running around like a spastic maniac. So it wasn’t like we could relax. And the thing is - she was just going to her moms and her husband and kids were just going on a little road trip. Like it was nothing to stress about. She was running around like Catherine O’Hara oversleeping and missing her alarm to catch her international flight. Like truly - calm the fuck down. Where’s the fire? How are your adrenals? Does your nervous system even exist? It was like so uncomfortable to be around. 

But thankfully we just fucked off and walked into “town”. It was another one of those, “oh it’s a 10 minute walk” that was actually a 30 minute walk. Like - why don’t people just say? What the fuck? Why say it’s a ten minute walk when it’s 30? That just makes no goddamn sense. The town was cute, but very very small. There were 3 pubs though, ha. But aside from that - just one tiny bakery, one small convenience store and that was it. We went to the bakery and thankfully they had little buns with egg salad and ham and whatnot cuz we were fuckin starving. 

We went and sat on the nearest bench and it was in the direct sunlight, but it was just cool enough that it was okay for a minute. But I always take longer to eat than him, so eventually he said, “Hork your ‘wich, gurrrrrl! I’m gettin cooked!”

We walked back and they were just about ready to leave the house, thank fuck. After they left we just kinda got settled and lounged around. There was once again enough random food in the pantry and freezer that we didn’t have to go to the store right away. Which was good because there was no store in town, so our grocery run was going to involve a bus trip to the next town over. They had a super bangin backyard space with multiple seating areas, which was really nice for coffee and meals.

The next day was a Sunday though and we looked at the bus schedule and it was pretty much nonexistent, so we went through the freezer again, ha. 

Since we weren’t making the trek to the store, we went on a nice countryside walk instead. It was so much nicer than walking in TB Wells because that was a busy ass dank ass city. But this new spot was in a little countryside village, so it made for super quiet walks on the backroads and through some actual nature. There were really, really nice houses too. It was proper posh. 

Okay so the next day was Monday and we nutted up and went to the store. It was fine - it was just a cute little local bus 30 minutes down the road. And the town was very cute. We actually got off the bus at the top of the town and went for a little nature walk. And after the walk we got coffee and a danish to go from a little cafe and ate it sitting in the big town green space. Then Kris thankfully looked at the bus schedule back and there was a bus in 40 minutes or an hour and 40 minutes and we were like fuck…..let’s just hoof it and get our groceries. That’s also what I won’t miss about being at the mercy of public transport. 

We went into an M&S which is sort of akin to a Trader Joes so it was super small and super busy. But we were able to get in, get our shit, and get to the bus stop…but not before i ran around frantically looking for somewhere to pee first. Ugh. 

The next day was Tuesday and that was Kris’ birthday. We had loosely intended to take a bus into another cute looking village and like have lunch and then get some special birthday dinner fixins at the market before we got back on the bus. But then we woke up just not feeling like going to all that trouble. Just wanting to lounge around, so we did. We walked into the little village center and thought we’d try the butcher so we could get a nice piece of meat for dinner, but he was closed….so our only option was to go into the little convenience store. We did….and we got two boxes of frozen fish cakes that ended up being proper shite. I’m not sure how they could be so bad? It was a really weird texture as there was potato in it too so it was like mashed potato….with like pureed liquefied fish….it was really weird. The whole thing was oddly smooth and just weird tasting. Thankfully it was breaded in a crunchy coating and we had a dipping sauce. Happy Birthday to Kris! LOLOLOL. 

At least I made those bonerific peanut butter cookies he likes, but even those were not the best batch I’ve ever made because we didn’t have the right peanut butter. 

We were only there for a week, which is our shortest stay. On the one hand it was one of our favorite houses, but on the other hand it was definitely in the middle of nowhere and the grocery situation wasn’t great. So anymore than a week and that probably would’ve been super annoying. 

Oh! And the cat. The cat was really cute - his name was Huey. He was super independent and we hardly saw him. EXCEPT for when he brought in a live mouse. Okay so - here’s the scene -- it’s a lovely evening. We’re sitting in the cozy, warmly lit living room watching a show….and then I hear a very specific tiny scream - a mouse. A live mouse. In my periff I see the cat and it’s definitely got something - a live mouse in its mouth. I’m figuring this will be over quick as it’s obviously going to kill the mouse. No.

It was not going to kill the mouse. It just wanted to play with it. The cat set the mouse down and the mouse started scampering through the living room. This was horrific. It stopped under a side table next to the couch. And the cat came over and acted like it was ready to pounce. But it didn’t do anything, and neither did the mouse and I just couldn’t take any more of this horrific scene so I just bailed and ran upstairs to take a bath. 

At one point I texted Kris to see what the status was and he said he had lifted up the side table figuring the cat would immediately get the mouse but it fucking didn’t! It just watched it run around. Which annoyed Kris because he easily could’ve gotten the mouse - he just figured the cat would and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. 

So the mouse is still on the loose in the living room. It’s run behind a fireplace and it’s just this weird stand off. Kris got a golf club. I tried to just be chill - like the mouse wasn’t going anywhere and we may never see it again and just - whatever. But then the mouse started poking it’s head out and then it ran out and around the corner and then back again but thankfully it ran into a little storage cubby on the floor so it was essentially trapped and Kris was able to just club it and omfg it was over and just fuck me raw, that stupid fucking cat. 

Another morning there was half a mouse carcass on the carpet. Like. I’m not sure about this whole domesticating animals thing. Animals are fucking gross. I like farm animals - animals that are outside where they belong. Not these house pets that we are oddly attached to and have to keep alive in this weird unnatural way. 

Anyway that’s just me. I’m not a pet person I guess. 

Aside from another really nice walk, and a british Karen yelling at us for walking on her grass, that mouse was the most exciting thing that happened there. 

Friday rolled around and it was off to our final stop! I can’t believe we’re nearly to the end of this trip, dang. Hopefully we saved the best for last.