A weekend in Vernazza, Cinque Terre + Guerilla Peeing in Milan {Italy 2013}

Day 19, September 26

This was our last morning at the naked farm so we woke up, got our shit together and Alexandra drove us to catch our bus to Grosetto. We had a very sweet goodbye.

Kris said, "It sucks I'm on a night time poop schedule."

I said, "I'm mostly in the morning, but later morning, so kinda back to normal. But it's no poop alarm clock, that's for sure."

We stumbled into a fucking fantastic place in Grosetto where we had two perfect lattes, two croissants and two sandwiches - one was a croissant with salami and cheese, the other was focaccia bread with cream cheese, arugala and prosciutto. Both were fucking to die for. Then we hit the grocery store for train snacks and set off for Vernazza — one of the five towns that make up Italy’s Cinque Terra National Park, which is nestled on the side of a mountain on the coast. These were taken from the train — mountains on one side and the sea on the other:

After a two hour ride we got off and were in the fucking land of retard tourists. It was literally an elbow to elbow sea of retards getting off the train. For a second I was like....ohmygod - am I in Honolulu again? Is this going to be so not worth it? Seriously. Look at this sea of assholes:

But, thank fuck, it totally was. Vernazza's amazingness way makes up for the load of idiots that are constantly roaming the streets.

Our hotel was super adorable - the Pensione Sorriso. Bed was super comfy and the shared bathroom was totally cute and clean and we never had to wait. Plus, we had a sink in our room so we both mostly peed in the sink, reserving the community bathroom for pooping and showers.

Look at view from our room - that’s a little outdoor shower on the deck!

We immediately set out for gelato, which was easy to find as there is basically only one main street to the town and it’s pedestrian only. There were 3 gelato spots in town and we tried them all that afternoon and then just lounged by the water.

We hiked up one of the hills and had dinner at Ristorante Al Castello, which was upon a cliff side over looking the water. Our waiter was so fucking hot. He put his hand on my shoulder. My left shoulder. He squeezed it. Look how tickled I am:

Kris pooped after we got home and I asked him, "Did you wash your ass in that awesome bidet?" Kris: “Well of course I did! Why would I waste an opportunity with a brilliant ass washing machine?”

Day 20, September 27th

This morning we were up early, which was nice because we got to have breakfast in peace before the hordes of tourists came in on the train.

Vernazza is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my entire life. I am so glad we came here.

The day was really just eating, coffee, gelato, siesta, pizza, more gelato, pizza, croissants, more gelato, a little more pizza, you get the idea.

We did a lot of awesome people watching, too. Making comments like:

Kris: Look at those gay guys with that chihuahua.
Katie: They look so rough are you sure they're gay?
Kris: They're rolling with a fucking chihuahua. C'mon.

Kris: That girl was kinda hot.
Katie: Her friend was frumperific.
Kris: She had a cute face though.
Katie: I didn't see her face. Just her high waist line.

Katie: Look at that guy chewing on his hoodie strings. He looks like a fucking crack head.

Katie: Are you tired of me? Do you wanna ditch me?
Kris: Why do you confound me with your retarded thoughts?

Kris: Wanna go?
Katie: No, I'm not quite ready yet.
(several minutes later) Kris: I would just like you to be aware that I'm incredibly fucking thirsty.

Katie: C'mere, kitty. Look over here! Do you think this cat's gonna look at me?
Kris: No. It's not. It's a cat. It's gonna do whatever the fuck it wants.

At one point we hiked a little ways up one of the trails so we could take some pictures:

All five towns are connected by hiking trails so it’s a popular spot for backpackers. We weren’t that ambitious, but we hiked up pretty far. People’s houses are just scattered along the way so it’s funny as you’re hiking further and further you end up looking down into the town, but also into people’s backyards:

We also hiked up to the top of this castle, which had even more spectacular views.

And walked through a little cave to get another part of the beach, which was covered with the most beautiful rocks.

When we were up in our room later I asked Kris, "So, what's there to do in Milan tomorrow?" He said, "Well - you can reserve a 15 minute spot to see The Last Supper. That's painted by Leonardo Da Vinci." Katie, "Yeah, I know who fucking painted The Last Supper." Kris, "Well I don't know! Sometimes you don't know shit!"

Day 21, September 28th

This morning we had breakfast at a little cafe called Annanasso Bar overlooking the sea in Vernazza. Then we saw our hot waiter from Thursday night stumble in and sit down with the hot pizza place girls who were also having breakfast at the same cafe. It was fun to see the town come to life before the tourists arrived on the late morning train.

I wanted Kris to get a picture of our hot waiter:

Afterwards we hung out in our hotel bar until our train came. And I had the most beautiful latte I’ve ever had in my entire life:

Then we hopped on a train to Milan, which was a little over 3 hour ride. The first part of it was super beautiful because we were still riding right up the coast of Italy. In our train car with us was this so fucking annoying older couple though. They shouted loudly at each other and their friend from another car came and stood in the doorway of our doorway and shouted too. Then they made some motion for me to throw away my paper pastry bag after I stuffed it in my purse. What fucking business of theirs is my trash? Maybe I want to reuse that bag later, dickheads.

Later on I said all of that to Kris and I said, "They were such pieces of shit!" and he said, "Well....they were Germans....."

We arrived in Milan and started wandering around. It was such a bullshit city. Everything was dirty and there was tons of awful graffiti everywhere. Everyone was rude, there was tons of traffic and it just looked like any other random city. There was nothing special about Milan.

Thankfully we did find a gelato place and it was very spectacular. After that though we just headed to the airport, hours early, but not before I guerilla peed on the lawn of a fancy hotel because it was a fucking ghost town and nowhere was open. We were walking down a very busy street and there was a big swanky hotel with a huge lawn and lots of trees for cover. Loads of people walked by but I'm sure they had no idea what I was doing.

We did have super delicious food in the airport though. So we went out on a good note.

We flew to Copenhagen and the airport was so easy to navigate and we even easily got on the subway to meet our hosts - an adorable Danish boy who stayed with us in Phoenix last year. He met us at the station and we walked back to his house:

Like. This is a house shared by 6 college-age BOYS. They had style and a goddamn chore chart in the kitchen. Never would you find this in the states — it would be covered in beer cans and pizza boxes with shitty posters thumb-tacked on the walls. These dudes were proper classy and the culture makes so much more well rounded people. We are looking forward to spending a few days with them.