To Push or Not to Push {Thoughts on the "American Dream" and owning your shit}
This piece of writing was inspired by a prompt from Jena Schwartz. The theme was: too push or not to push.
Wow! What a great prompt today: to push or not to push.
For me personally, it's not to push, and I say this because that's what my track record living this life has shown me. I think that the whole concept of the American Dream is complete horse shit:
Go to college
get married
have a family
work really really hard
retire and enjoy your golden years
I mean - none of that works for me, but especially the concept of having to work hard. I don't think you need to work hard. Well let me rephrase that, because I don't like to assume I know what's best for people - I don't think *I* have to work hard. And fuckin a - I don't think most people do either. But it's like - if we're not "working hard" then we feel lazy, right? I have struggled with this being self employed (I fucking do not anymore because fuck em) but in the past I'd feel bad that I got to sleep in every day and make leisurely breakfasts with my boyfriend on a Thursday (he's self employed also) or stay out super late on a Tuesday or lay on my comfy ass futon and watch Netflix all goddamn day long because that's just what I felt like doing.
It's even worse with my friends who have kids. Full-time jobs is one thing, but the people with kids.....christ. They're even harder to talk to. It seems like most people struggle with trying to manage everything:
their children
their relationships
their jobs
getting their basic needs met
And I currently don't struggle with any of that. I sort of just realized that night reflecting after a conversation with a friend who was again complaining about her boyfriend and her shitty house. And I was like - holy fucking shit - I don't have to worry about any of that and what a blessing!
Healthy relationship, check.
Great place to live, check.
Basic needs met easily, check.
It leaves soooooo much delicious space in my life for lattes and travel and bike rides and late nights and art projects and house projects and cooking and baking and helping people and and and and.
And goddammit! I created my reality. You could do the same. The create your own reality thing is a funny concept because most people only own that when things are going great. But then when some shit hits the fan, they don't. But for me I'm like:
I brought this bullshit in for a reason, too.
So let's sort it out and own it in all its glory instead of complaining and copping out. And let me watch my vocabulary too because words are soooooooo powerful. Have you ever noticed how people reinforce their situations, whether they're good or bad? So my friends with no money - their words match that. The friends with shitty relationships - their words match that. They just reinforce that they're stuck and don't deserve/can't do any better.
“It is so hard to break patterns, to clear social conditioning, to do something different than our parents did, or whatever the fuck it is that’s holding you back. But holy shit you only get one life in this body. Do you wanna live it for you or for someone else?”
One time Kris and I decided we wanted to move to Seattle. So we packed up all of our shit, had a giant going away party and hit the road. We got to Seattle and were immediately repelled. It started to get sort of comical. Just one of many examples - we found this studio apartment that we LOVED and it was totally in our price range and we wanted it and the landlord never called us back.
Finally, after all sorts of resistance we were like - Seattle sucks and it shouldn't be this hard anyway. So we just called Uncle and moved on. I thought for a moment how many people might have stayed in Seattle. They had said they were going to move there so that's what they needed to do. Or maybe they'd be ashamed to go home or this or that or the other thing. But I was like - uh - OK, universe. I get the message. I don't need to be miserable in Seattle for six months just to "prove" that I "tried". You know what I mean?
We went back to Phoenix and had a whole new love and appreciation for it. We stayed with a friend and then decided we wanted to live in the heart of downtown - near all of the bars and cafes and farmer's markets and events that we were always driving downtown for. So I went on Craig's List, saw a house, we went to see it and three days later we moved in. No deposits, no credit check, nothing. The landlord didn't even check our friggin IDs. Simple one page month-to-month lease. I mean it was stupid. Our house is so fucking cute and our landlord is cool as hell and our rent is hella cheap. I mean, talk about being in the flow.
Shortly after we moved into the downtown Phoenix house, Kris started doing less and less I.T. work and more and more self discovery. We also started hosting Airbnb guests in our spare room, and also sometimes on our living room futon and even in a tent out back next to our chicken coop and we met the most amazing people who have totally become life long friends and who we've gone to visit in all of the amazing places they live.
Fast forward one year and we realized Kris hadn't worked in a whole entire year. And he had previously been the bread winner. But we had fully been supported by Airbnb and by my work as a doula/placenta crafter that we hadn't even noticed. I mean again - talk about just going with the flow. It wasn't like he was all, "I'm not going work for a year - I NEED TO FUCKING FIND MYSELF." It just happened so naturally. You couldn't have planned it better.
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One time I thought I was going to become a Sacred Pregnancy retreat instructor so I partnered up with another gal who was already certified and we put together a weekend retreat. Fuck, that was hard:
the marketing
the constantly posting about it
finding the space
decorating of the space
the making of the food
the cleaning up afterwards
In the end holy fucking shit christ was it not worth it, it was way too hard. So I was like, OK never fucking mind. I am ditching that idea because it shouldn't be that hard. I'm sure I would've felt differently had I easily found a space or effortlessly had a bunch of people sign up or whatever. But I didn't. So on to the next thing.
One of "the next things" being - placenta encapsulation. Now - lemme tell you - I first got into birth work by way of being a birth doula. I attended births for 5 years and had no idea what a placenta was and had never seen one. Then one day I went to visit a mama who had just given birth at home a couple of days earlier.
“I opened her fridge and inside was a ziplock bag containing a huge bloody chunk of something. I was like, “fuuuuuck what is this it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”
She said, "Oh - it's my placenta. I just couldn't throw it out but didn't know what to do with it." And I was like, "Well, shit. I've *heard* of some women eating it. And I have a friend of a friend who I *think* encapsulates them" and she was like - well take it with you.
So I did.
And I called that friend of a friend who in fact did encapsulate placentas and she walked me through how to do it and I was fucking HOOKED. I mean like mad hooked on everything placenta. I started offering encapsulation and then I started photographing each one I received and posting the photos on instagram. Then I started doing super cool blood prints with them and it totally awakened the artist in me. And get this - here's fucking effortless for you. I have a website and on my website is a link to a form to fill out if you want me to prepare your placenta. You fill out your personal information and then there are instructions to paypal you. So I just have random mamas filling out my form and magically sending me money and they don't even know me, haven't met me, I don't even have to talk to them on the phone. It's just POOF. Here's a few hundred bucks, please do my placenta. I mean how stupid easy is that?
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My relationship too. It's just....effortless. We have had our ups and downs of course and have even sought outside help to guide us through some rough patches, but it never felt like we were meeting resistance whatsoever. From day 1 there was no drama, no "why didn't he call me", no "this is moving too fast", nothing. AND we were "polyamorous" from day one - before we'd even heard that word or knew what it meant. We were just normal and natural with everything - totally emotionally transparent. A few years in we did actually discover the word "polyamorous" and were like, "Oh how funny. There's a label for our relationship." I mean literally we have no jealousy, no past issues that come up, nothing we're holding on to, no spitefulness, no cattyness. It really can be that easy if both people are willing to fully show up. And, if both people are willing to not accept surface/symptom emotions as the be all, end all.
An example I like is that for most people - they stop at jealousy. They're like, "I'm jealous therefor my solution is you can't see that person ever again." And that's it, that's the end of it. But what's beyond that? Why are you jealous? Why do you feel insecure? Why does that person threaten you? And, and, and. There are so many great journeys to take and questions to ask beyond what makes us uncomfortable. But we just wanna put a bandaid on it and move on to the next thing.
It's not like every time something is "hard" I "give up". But if I meet resistance, I always sit with it and ask, "What am I fighting for?" and if I can't come up with a good answer, then, well - that's my answer.
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You guys. For the millionth time. Sign up for a writing group. It will be the best investment in yourself that you ever made. You don't have to "be a writer". It's not about that. It's about mental health via putting your words to the page and sharing them in a sacred space.
Do you want to blast out your American Dream programming? Let me help you! Join me in Reality Rehab and we'll blow it up. Reality Rehab is a four-month online program to uncover your inner badass. We go over sex, money, food, health - all the stuff you with they would've taught you in school.