The F*cking Monkey Mind {This, and other scattered thoughts}

This piece of writing was inspired by a prompt from Jena Schwartz. It was about the 4 different kinds of "monkeys". The one I identified with the most was Monkey Mind: relentless and noisy, especially when you most need the sleep.

Monkeys. Hmmm. How many monkeys am I? All 4. Depends on the day, depends on my mood. The monkey mind shit gets really, really old though. I am reading a book right now called You Are a Badass and one thing she repeats every so often or just sort of says in a slightly different way is that the answers come when you get quiet and listen.

So every day I sit down and listen.

I have an altar space in my living room - it's my fireplace actually. Whoever thought of putting a fireplace in a Phoenix house is off their rocker, but I guess they were fashionable in the 20s when this house was built. Regardless - you'd use one 2-3 days per year I'd imagine. Though my chimney is sealed now. Apparently in the 70s there was a string of house fires and all of the chimneys in the neighborhoods got filled in. I can access the roof of my house if I climb up a ladder to get to the top of my shed and then awkwardly roll onto my stomach to fit through the tiny space between the top of the shed and the top of my roof. It's worth it to get on top of the house. Even one story up makes all the difference for watching the sunset or the moonrise. Anyway - my chimney is at the edge and I never can bring myself to look over the top of it. I don't know what I think I'm going to see. Or what I'm afraid of - the fucking boogie man? Like - he's just living in my chimney waiting for the moment that scared little white girl creeps over the edge to peer inside?

And what is with a fear of the dark anyway?

I was home alone overnight last week. First time I've been home alone in my house and I've lived here three years - every other time Kris has gone out of town we've either had roommates or Airbnb guests. And of course that night there also had to be an outrageous thunderstorm which was legitimately creepy but also sort of funny in a cliche way. I messaged with several of my girlfriends - most of whom also happened to be home alone and equally creeped out by the thunderstorm. Several of them offered to come over, but the truth was - I didn't want company and didn't feel like being social. I was unkempt eating peanut butter out of the jar watching Sex and the City. And you know - all of those other things you do when you're alone. I just wanted a body to sleep in the guest room. We all pondered why we were afraid and thought a lot of it was societal conditioning - in scary movies it's always the young beautiful girl that's screaming or running away or otherwise unable to defend herself against "the bad guy".

I don't remember when my fear of the dark started. I do remember when I was little that I would frequently drag my pillows and blankets and sleep on the floor next to my mom's bed. I also remember that at night anytime I'd have to pee, I'd go to the bathroom and then when I was done I'd leave my finger on the lightswitch until the very last second. Like my whole body would be outside the bathroom but my arm would be awkwardly bent backwards on the light switch. I'd finally hit the switch to turn it off and I'd tear back down the hall to my room, slam the door behind me and continue running and leap into my bed. Why all the drama? 

See what I mean with the monkey mind shit? I was like - oh I identify with all four monkeys. But clearly this is the main fucking one. 

Back to my altar space.

So with the fireplace being sealed, I use the open space in the fireplace to put my altar items - pieces of bark, tobacco leaves, affirmation candles, dried flowers, and other crap like that. On the face of the brick fireplace I painted the bricks purple and paste my vision boards up as they come. Every time I make a vision board there will be at least one random thing on it that ends up coming true. Like one time I cut out a picture of Vernazza - I didn't know it was a picture of Vernazza though, it was just a pretty picture. Later that year I went to Italy and randomly ended up in Vernazza and took some stunning photos. One of which ended up almost exactly matching the photo on my vision board. On another board I cut out the word "e-book" and put it on there. I remember not knowing why I put that on my board because at the time I had no plans to write a book. Now I have 5 e-books on amazon. Funny how that works. In front of the fireplace is a sheepskin that my friend Kewal was getting rid of. 

And that's where I sit. To get quiet. To listen. To receive. 


You guys. I'll say it again - this fucking writing group. It's absolute magic. The facilitator, Jena, is THE SHIT. She crafts these beautiful prompts that get you writing and stuff comes out that you didn't even know was there. It is so worth doing. Clear out your metaphorical pipes and heal through writing. What have you got to lose?

ALSO. Check out my e-course. It's called Reality Rehab: A Four-Month Online Course to Uncover Your Inner Badass. We go over sex, money, health, food - all the stuff you wish they would've taught you in school. 

The Fucking Monkey Mind | Cock & Crow Blog #writing #blog #women #prompt