Where the Fuck is the Moon?
I haven't written a blog like this in a while. A blog where - I sit down to write and there isn't a point I'm trying to make. A more personal post. I'm even thinking to myself now, "It's not like you're live writing. You don't even have to post this."
Maybe I won't.
I have been wanting to carve out a space for personal writing though. I used to keep a wordpress blog that was just thoughts and updates. Then I made myself a proper website, but it felt like the blog there needed to be.....professional? Or it needed to....have a point? What any of that even means, I don't know. Who says? Who makes up the rules?
Last night I was driving to yoga and I looked up at the almost-full-moon and it sort of blended in with the giant, round white glow of the street lights that appear ever 1000 feet (or however the fuck close they are, I don't know.). And I thought how sort of shitty that was. I wished I was in a place where I could be fucking poetic about it like, "Oh fuck look at this, the moon and the street lights....the blending of nature and modern civilization....this is fucking beautiful."
But it wasn't fucking beautiful. It was down right depressing. Because I noticed that, at a traffic light, or at a moment driving where I felt I could look away for a quick second and take in the sight of the moon - I'd spend half of that moment looking for the moon. Because it wasn't the only bright light in the sky. In reality this searching moment was probably half a second. But it felt significant. And I was pissed wasting even half an ounce of energy darting my eyes across the sky looking for the goddamn moon.
Today I had a BodyTalk session. My last session pissed me off, so I was eager to have this session leave me more optimistic. Even though we need both. The resistance isn't as much to experience as the flow. But I've been getting fucking BodyTalk for 7 years so I had the perspective and just fucking general personal awareness to know it wasn't the modality or the practitioner, obviously. It was me, because it's fucking my body.
A memory came up of me being 2 years old and being passed off. My mom never worked, so I realized it was more of an energetic passing off than a literal one. It wasn't like she had three jobs and I was always at a different sitters house. She stayed home with us technically. But she was all over the place. 20 years old with two babies, both from different dads and living with a third man. Her life was a fucking disaster.
Then a visual came up of my mom being fractured and fragile - like a thread. And a thread can blow in the wind or get caught on something and be gone. That's what she was working with. But the visual for me was a ball of string. Though balls of string can be wound up tight. So the next thing was the concept of unraveling and reorganizing.
Which went right along with where I'm at currently: feeling a big life change coming on.
11 years ago I had a dream about birth that I kept to myself for a few weeks because I figured the feeling would pass. I figured how the dream made me feel would fade and I'd just carry on with my life as it was, so why make a big deal out of some fleeting dream.
Oh how fucking wrong I was. That dream was the day my whole life changed.
So I'm having a similar feeling of - is this going to pass? Oh, shit. It might not.
The feelings being: fucking sensory overload. Not enjoying living in the city anymore. Not wanting to make plans or see anybody or go to any events or classes or even go to the fucking grocery store. I want to do nothing external.
Even right now. I wish I could write without having to sit in front of a fucking computer. Ya feel me? Yes of course I could pick up a pen and journal, but that's not the same. I need to get these rapid fire thoughts out. Plus, my handwriting is shitty and journals take up unnecessary space.
All I want to do is listen to my Buddhism audio book, play meditations from the app that I love, or do yoga, or otherwise just sit and think and zone out and just be. I can't be around anyone who isn't transparent. I get anxious and fidgety around people who are trying be something they're not.
I'm beginning to realize the people I can be honest with......the people who are so open and curious and honest - the people where I can say, "What the actual fuck? That's not true, you're lying to yourself, how do you actually feel about this?" are so fucking valuable to me. And the people that I can't be that honest with....the people who break down and can't take it.....the people who shy away from it.....the people where, as soon as they leave I turn to Kris and break down every last thing they said....and he's like, goddamn-that-is-brilliant-I-wish-you-could-say-that-to-them-how-can-we-harness-this-because-it's-such-valuable-reflection - I just can hardly even anymore.
Like, it's going to get to the point where I actually have no filter and the words will just fall out of my mouth. You might think I have no filter now. But I totally fucking do.
Let's stay connected, eh?
If you want my writing to magically appear in your inbox, you know what to do:
And now the filter is fading. I need everything to slow the fuck down and get quiet.
That feeling has just been ramping up. It's been festering for months, first starting off as just a small irritation. Now it's to the point of not wanting much to do with the outside world. So it's more and more like: I can't ignore this. This is not going to go away. I just need to go with it, as I've been doing.
I don't want to think about money or selling things or creating things or website traffic or bank account balances or credit scores or mortgages or the car that I want or the Dyson vacuum that just dings my bell so hard. None of that is anything to me at the moment.
I'm being thrust toward a personal, internal journey.
And I know the rest will come.
The next thing that came up was something about the relationship I was in at 17. I had to think about it for a minute. My mom kicked me out when I was 16.....I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend at the time....but we broke up 6 or so months later - before my 17th birthday.....after our breakup I moved out to the east valley......oh, and then I started dating the guy from New York - we worked at the same sub factory. The guy from New York who I would later break up with, remain friends with, and then move to New York to be roommates with, eventually getting caught blowing him on a park bench by my current boyfriend.
That's who I was dating when I was 17. The concept of being in control came up. Being in control in the sense that - if one stays super busy with commitments and events and dates and work and this and that - it's very easy to feel like you're in control of your life because everything is scheduled and there's never an empty moment to sit with yourself in the space where something might come up.
Followed by the question of - what relationship were you in at 19?
At 19 I had broken up with the New York guy, but we were still very good friends - keeping in touch via long phone calls and emails like best friends. And I was dating the nice dorky guy who followed me to New York to be roommates with the ex.
I definitely was obsessed with the concept of control at that point in my life because I thought I had everything figured out. I was in control of my feelings, in control of the situation and moving to New York to be roommates with an ex-boyfriend and a current boyfriend may sound like a shit show, but for me it would be different.
Obviously it was not different, i.e. - the park bench blow job. Of course we started fucking. It was the most cliche thing ever.
All of this relating to the feelings I'm having now of only wanting to be internal. Of having no plans, no agenda, no control. Just a general wondering and openness and drive to continue on this inward exploration.
How the relationships at 17 and 19 relate, I'm not sure yet.
The concept of my foundation came up. I have been with Kris for 6 and a half years, and living in this house for 5 years. I'm 32 years old and that's the longest I've ever done any of those things in my life. Even when I was married - that was just for three years, and it was a three year shit show of painful personal growth and realizations. So I wouldn't call that super stable.
I like the visual of having built a really solid foundation with Kris, in this house and how everything going forward from here can be from this very solid place - something I've never had before.
It's always been a repairing of my foundation, or my chakra or my this, that or the other thing. But this feeling now is of shedding the old, and of revealing a new foundation from which to live my life from. And to build up from here through the rest of the chakras.
To build them, not repair them.
Interesting side note: in my last session something about my body clearing a virus that had been festering in my......pineal gland?......hypothalamus gland? Some fucking gland, I forget. Shortly after that session I got majorly insanely sick and cycled through days and days of spiking 103 degree fever. With no other symptoms though. Just the fever. And every time the fever would go down I'd think - this is it, that was the last of it. And the periods between fever spikes would get longer and longer. But still - they would spike. It was as if my body was like, "Oh wait - one more round....we didn't quite get it all last time."
So that will be interesting to reflect on later and see how it all fit into this transformation.
Kris playing an active role was another concept that came up. The idea that two magnets (the two of us) have a much stronger ability to manifest some shit. Like one plus one does not fucking just simply equal two, you know? The two of us together can make some serious shit happen if we're both playing active as fuck roles. Which obviously I was like, hey man - you need to be active as fuck in this. And he was like, yeah totally.
Oh, one of the last thing to come up was the fear of shrinking. Which is totally relevant because we've been talking about WWOOFing or work trading or staying with a friend for 6 months for a reset or just fucking something that is more conducive to being able to follow this internal journey while being freed up and not weighed down by as much regular life shit as possible. The freedom to just be, to see where this goes.
But that being seen from the outside like it's a step back, a failure, a shrinking. When really it's super fucking brave and is a giant step towards creating space for major fucking expansion.
So the moral of the story is: we'll just fucking see.