Journal entry about my first LSD trip.....
You guys. Ok - here is a fair warning. This a raw and unedited (aside from spelling errors that Word caught) journal entry written in the two days following my first LSD trip. I did not at all intend for this to be a blog post, obviously. Several people have asked to read it so I figured I might as well put it up here. It's nearly 9,000 words written about a 27 hour period. You've been warned.
On Saturday October 17, 2015 I took 6 drops of liquid LSD. I didn’t totally want to. The night before I picked a huge fight with Kris, which he later told me after we made up that he had been this close to calling off LSD night. Subconsciously, and in hind sight – that’s what I was trying to get him to do. Or was I trying to get me to do? Get myself worked up to the point where I said no. No I don’t want to, but you can if you want.
I had so much anxiety about doing it. I thought it was just one of those thigns I was afraid of that I needed to push through and do in order to be a better person. Like the new agey memes tell you to do. Part of me thinks that what I really needed to do was distinguish between fear, and intuition. But a larger part of me truly believes that everything *most things* happen for a reason, and in the right timing. So presumably, this whole experience was one of those things.
Anyway. The location of the trip: we went to a friends house who was out of town. Our house was full of Airbnb guests and the two other friends joining us for the evening have a house full of kids. So neither of our houses were a good idea. Going to a friends house was a bad idea, for me anyway. Also – it was a small house and all of the bedrooms were off limits. So the only place we could really “be” was the small living room. No privacy. Nowhere familiar. Nowhere to ground.
Around 3pm Norah and Paul, our friends who had the LSD and would be doing it with us, arrived at the house. We all got settled and putzed around and then sat on our sleeping mat we’d set up in the living room and Norah said some things that she said were mostly for me, since it was my first time and I was anxious and nervous. She said that if I got stuck I could just say I was stuck. If I wanted to clear my mind I literally could in an instant. If I wanted the music changed I could just say it. And that to remember I can always breathe. The thought of her having control of the music stood out to me because I am so affected by music and I didn’t like the idea of being subject to whatever she saw fit to play.
Then she asked if everyone wanted a party dose or a therapeutic dose. I said I figured if I was doing it I should do it and go all the way and everyone else wanted to also, so we all were given a therapeutic dose of six drops. Norah held up the teeny tiny little dropper bottle and said that it was virtually impossible to have a bad trip with this stuff because it was so good.
Boy was she wrong. According to me anyway.
After I took the drops I went to the bathroom and then decided that I wanted to go outside. I had a hunch that if I didn’t get out there before it hit me that I wouldn’t be able to find my way out there. And I didn’t want it to hit me while I was sitting in that tiny dark living room with them. Especially while it was still light out. I wished that I had more day light hours and we had started earlier.
I went outside to the little nook on the side of the house and found the most lovely little seating area and there was a long string of fat bulbs. Kris came outside too and reset the power strip and the bulbs came on.
He stayed out there with me and I sat on the chaise lounge in the corner. It was on a woven carpet with a side table next to it. The side table had a beautiful glittery birdcage on it and leaned against the table on the floor was a beautiful mirror. Kris went back inside to get his guitar and I asked him to bring me my socks.
He did and I put them on and then started sketching him sitting on the little wicker couch playing guitar. I ended up making his head look really weird, like an alien, and it kind of creeped me out so I stopped drawing. I had no desire to draw anything or write anything else for the rest of the trip.
I just sat there and he was tinkering on the guitar.
Then I started to feel it. At first it just felt like everything was spinning a little bit and pulsing. Like my whole body was a giant wave that was vibrating. It felt like I was drunk. I didn’t love the sensation particularly. A couple of people walked by and I said how funny it was that they were just walking around and had no idea what was going on behind the fence. Oh Kris had also brought me out a tiny glass of champagne, but I couldn’t take more than a few drinks of it and I left it there.
Norah came out and I don’t remember what she said. She was just out there walking around but she didn’t stay.
Then things start to get a little fuzzy. I remember Kris trying to stand outside and pee and I came and stood by him to watch him. I think he actually did pee. I remember hearing the light rail dings and remarking that also there were people on the light rail who had not taken LSD.
I think then we went back inside because maybe the mosquitoes? I don’t think I had really been bitten. They were swarming around us but I kept fanning them away.
We went back inside….. or wait I think actually Kris had gone inside first for something and came back outside and said it was nice inside and I might want to come in there because Norah was playing classical music. So I did.
I think I went to the bathroom first and then came out and sat on the bench against the living room wall with Kris laying face down on the sleeping pad at my feet and Norah laying next to him, face up. Paul was sort of huddled on the air mattress. I remember feeling uncomfortable and a little bit out of place and unsettled. I thought I’d feel more relaxed and uninhibited.
I laid down on the pad and Kris moved over a bit so I had room. It was classical music but I don’t remember what. I remember Norah crying and moaning about how girls couldn’t be on stage at that time in history – only boys, but for the boys to sound as angelic as girls could they had to castrate them. And she was crying about how beautiful the music was and how terrible it was that it was sung by castrated boys and why did we have to do that.
I think then I said that wasn’t Beethoven the one who had the scat fetish? That my sister did a report on? Nobody knew.
Other music started playing and Kris was really into it. He had the speaker on his chest and was on his back at that point. I was laying next to him still and the sides of our bodies were touching and I think we were holding hands. I kept looking over at him and seeinig the lights and the electricity in his beard and everything was lit up and pulsing in time with the music like that orchestrated water show fountain outside the Bellagio.
His beard looked like it was absolutely electrified and I was seeing in his beard what looked like DNA coding or something and I remember thinking that was what happened when you died. You just sort of sunk back into the earth, you were reprogrammed back into the earth and reused. I remember thinking that was great and all, but that I wasn’t ready for him to be dead or to go back to the earth and I also remember wishing I felt more of a sense of peace about death since all it was was going back to the earth.
The music was really intense, almost too much but probably anything would have been. It was all sensory overload.
There was a painting on the wall of a woman sort of laying on her stomach with her head turned to the side and that was shape shifting. So was the plant that was strait ahead of me by the front door. It was crazy how the lights danced according to the music. The whole room was covered in rays of red lights – like a motion sensor alarm that you see in the movies with the millions of beams of red light coming from every which way.
I remember looking up and seeing that it was still light out and needing to go outside and I started going out there and Paul came with me and I remember thinking that I didn’t need a chaperone. We went out back and sat right on the stoop and he was super paranoid talking about the people in the high levels of the office building and what if they could see us and I told him that was ridiculous and they absolutely couldn’t see us. Everything was colorful – as if all the things were outlined in neon beams of color – the clouds, the fence posts, the grass shoots, everything. But the color was pulsing and everything looked liked an animation that was actively happening. Paul was still talking about the people in the office buildings and how it was a weekend so maybe there weren’t many people in there anyway and I remember really wishing that Kris was out there with me instead. I think Paul maybe put his arm around me at some point but I didn’t like that and I went back inside. I also remember on my way inside looking at the chalkboard right outside the door and asked to write down my million dollar idea. Like if I was on LSD I had the power to answer all of the questions and so why not answer that one, but I couldn’t think rationally enough to actually have any ideas.
Then I was sitting in the window seat in the living room looking outside and the sun was setting. Paul had started running a bath and Norah was talking about Epsom salts and mineral salts and I was asking her why there were salts in the bath and then she rubbed her hands up and down my body and said that we needed minerals and the skin was the largest organ in the body. I remember thinking that I knew that already. She had brought the salts in a gift bag and I remember wondering what was in the gift bag and remarking that it was the salts, which was like a gift for all.
I remember a couple of times Norah saying out loud to Paul if the bath was ok, if he had shut it off and it wasn’t overflowing. It wasn’t.
I think then I went out onto the front porch and just sat on the steps and stared up into the sky. I was just sitting there and then Paul came out and he looked really creepy. Like a tiny skinny little hobbit creature. His eyes were creepy and his hair was wet. He was in just his underwear and he was sort of crouched behind the bush and again he was super paranoid. I reminded him that it was ok that even if we weren’t on LSD we would be sitting out here just like this and it would be a totally fine and normal thing to be doing. Then Norah came out and just sort of floated about and asked what was going on and I said that Paul was paranoid that we were out here but that I thought it was ok and she said it was ok. And I said see Paul? And then I started talking about the word luxury and how beautiful a word it was and I turned to Paul to look at him and then he looked uncomfortable maybe? Whatever it was made me turn away from him and tell him that it was ok, he didn’t have to look at me while I told him and he said actually he would like to look into my eyes but I didn’t think we did, I don’t think I could. I couldn’t get out the definition of luxury. Then Norah was back out again and I told her about the word luxury and I wanted to look it up. We had all the devices and Google and we could look it up. But we never did.
Then Kris and I were out back together. I followed him out there and we were standing in the middle of the yard. I asked him something about being married and then we had our arms around each other and our foreheads touching and he said something like we were married right now and I saw beams of light shooting out of our heart spaces and the world was spinning around us.
At some point I went back inside and it was dark outside and I remember sitting up and Norah and Paul were sitting on the air mattress eating a pear and I wanted some but I didn’t want it from Paul. I wanted it from Norah. So he passed it to her and she cupped it in her hands and offered it to me. She looked like an oracle. I took it and remember the juice dripping off my hand and on to the sleeping mat but reminding myself that I didn’t need to care about that because it was all pretend. Nothing existed in this alternate reality like that – no messes, no spills, no practical considerations.
I remember Kris eating an apple and remarking how amazing it was.
I don’t think we had any lights on at that point. Maybe just the glow of the bathroom or hall light or something.
I went to go pee and I remember taking off my shorts and underwear right outside the door and then sitting on the toilet and staring at my shorts and underwear balled up on the floor. I think I yelled out to the living room how great it was to pee and I asked something like how do you know when it’s taking too long to pee and everyone said I would just know. Or maybe it was how did I know when I was done peeing.
I went back out and was sitting up on the sleeping pad talking about my underwear and how amazing they were and how I wondered if anyone else knew the joy of perfectly fitting underwear and how it was all because of Wendi and I needed to thank her. Paul said something about luxury and how that for sure was part of the definition or something because most people in the world don’t even have underwear, let alone the perfect fitting kind.
Then I think we were laying back on the sleeping pad together listening to music but then Norah got a phone call and she was going on and on with someone about how her daughter was out at some event and needed a ride home or something. It sounded frantic and like she was repeating herself and I was snuggled up to Kris and we were saying how we were glad we didn’t have to deal with anything like that right now.
Then I started talking about my cavities and wanting to heal them. I asked what we were doing with all this energy, if we were accessing it all why we weren’t using it to do things. And since my mind was in control I felt like if I could just focus that I could heal my cavities. I said something else about it and I remember Norah asking me where they were and I said in my mouth. I think I went into the bathroom mirror to try to look at them but it was too dark and I couldn’t focus on that small of a point anyway.
Then Norah was trying to read something on her computer and then Paul tried and then I said that I could because I could see everything because my eyes had been lasered. Paul asked me about it and I was trying to explain it to him but I couldn’t find my words and also everyone wouldn’t just be quiet so I could talk. Norah asked me when I had my eyes done and I remember being angry that she asked me that question. Like, she knew I was on LSD and time didn’t exist so why would she ask me such a silly question that she knew I couldn’t answer. I got hung up on the year and never could form my answer. I had mental flashes of my answer but I couldn’t get the words out.
I was laying on my back again and I remember thinking Norah should midwife me and I puffed out my stomach like taking a huge inhale and she put her hands on my belly but just for a brief moment. Later she told me that she didn’t remember that ever happening, but that I did put her hand on my belly and ask her to heal my mother.
I also asked how I would know if I was a lesbian and they told me I would know – I would just like girls.
Then I started to feel really weird. Up to that point I just felt like I was crazy drunk and laughing and saying funny or weird things in a stupid or silly way.
But then I started to feel like I was out of my body, but not in a cool way. Out of this reality, but not in a good way. It was just me and everyone else was just characters – it wasn’t actually them. It was like I was in a holographic universe and I was projecting them and it wasn’t really them. Just visions of them. Anything that happened came from my mind and it was really frustrating because it was too much. Like if I was cold, I had to change the temperature with my mind, if I wanted to hear music, I had to think it, if I wanted somebody to say something I had to focus on them and make the words come out of their mouth. So it was all just too much – like my brain wasn’t powerful enough and didn’t have the ability to multitask. Because I needed all those things simultaneously, but could only think of one thing at a time. But I wanted to be warm and fed and listening to music all at the same time.
Once I realized that I could control everything, it was exhausting, but I also realized that if I got tired of thinking that I could also just look into someone else’s eyes and follow them. A really kind of creepy concept actually. It was like they wouldn’t come alive until I was looking at them.
So I was going back and forth between all that – doing what my mind was animating, and then getting exhausted and looking at someone else and getting caught in their web.
I pulled everyone in a circle around me and we all held hands, meditation style. I remember thinking that normally when you do this when you’re not on LSD it’s always so funny because it’s like – how does everyone know when to open their eyes? But I knew on the LSD that I could tell when everyone would and I could send them a signal if I wanted to. I remember Norah squeezing my hand. Then I was just sitting there facing Kris. I don’t remember if I kicked the rest of them out of the circle or what. But I remember putting my hands on his hips and thinking maybe I could loosen his tight hips so his crossed legs would be closer to the ground. But I couldn’t.
I grabbed Kris’ hand and pulled him into the bathroom and into the bathtub with me, which was already full. Kris was sitting against the back edge and I was sitting facing him. I remember touching his chest and thinking that would heal his skin. I remember thoughts just rapidly racing through my head so fucking fast. But I couldn’t stop long enough to really focus on any one thing. I remember looking at his stomach and thinking he didn’t have a uterus but that that was ok, he could still be a part of it. “It” I don’t know what that was. Then Norah came in to pee and I remember her looking at us and laughing and maybe holding up her hand sort of meaning “Don’t mind me, I’m not looking, continue on”. Then I wanted her to come over and she kept saying she couldn’t fit in the bathtub but she walked close enough for me to grab her hand and I pulled her down and made her sit on the ground next to the tub.
I remember putting my left wrist on the edge of the tub and maybe saying that it hurt. And then pointing to the spot where I hurt and Norah put her finger there too. I can’t quiet distinguish between the things I was thinking and the things I actually said out loud. I remember thinking about my abortion and not feeling like that was any big deal. I remember thinking about my IUD and wondering if it really was copper toxicity but I didn’t get a confirmation. I remember thinking I should feel for the IUD or have Norah feel for it.
I remember peeing on the toilet and wishing I could crane my head around and see my pee come out. I remember thinking since I was on LSD that I should look at my vagina so I could understand it.
At one point I remember Norah being gone and then Paul came in to pee and he sat down on the toilet and he held up his hand and did the same thing Norah did.
I remember looking at Kris while we were still in the bath and cupping his balls. I remember asking him if he thought I was fat and he said he loved me. Then we stood up in the shower and I pulled the curtain because I wanted to be alone. We were holding hands and I remember touching his penis and sort of stroking it.
Then I was sitting naked on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. I remember feeling my butthole pressed again the cold tile. I remember Norah came in and peed while I was sitting right there and then Paul did. But I didn’t like it when Paul did. I didn’t like being alone in there so I got up.
I think that was the point I went on the front porch. Apparently I was naked – Kris said that later. But all I remember is just sort of crouching on the porch behind the bush and looking up at the trees and the office buildings and thinking that anything I would think would just happen so all I had to do was think it, so why wasn’t I thinking cooler stuff right now – like why didn’t I think about flying and just make the motion to do it trusting it would happen. Or why didn’t I time warp into a fancy hotel or to new York city or something. Norah and Paul came out and they started pulling me inside, like pulling me and I couldn’t resist them and I remember trying to with my mind, like trying to switch to following my thoughts, but I couldn’t.
Later Kris told me that he thought they overreacted and that he would’ve handled it better. And I told him yeah, that they should have just like distracted me with a leaf or something. Like a two year old – just redirect me instead of trying to overpower me to come inside. And then he said that when they got me inside someone slammed against the screen and then Norah tripped over her air mattress and yelled that it needed to be moved so someone deflated it and moved it. I don’t remember any of that. He also said at that time that Norah and Paul were starting to sort of freak out and talked about calling a cab and leaving but he said he and Norah hugged and had a moment and he assured her that he was present and everything would be fine.
I think I was just laying on the sleeping pad, looking up at the ceiling and I started to feel like I was dying. I couldn’t get comfortable and I couldn’t focus on anything. Then Kris came and laid next to me and I remember feeling flashes of comfort looking at him or feeling his touch or feeling his breath on my arm but I couldn’t just stay there, mentally. I was so distracted by the frantic energy of Norah and Paul. They were trying to figure out how to turn the lights on and then they turned a light on and it was really harsh and the music was off and Norah was just saying things on repeat it seemed and I hated it. I kept trying to just grasp for anything that would bring me comfort but I couldn’t find anything or hold onto it for long enough. I had thoughts of being cold and of wanting food and of needing to write something down but I couldn’t figure out in my head how I could actually make any of that happen.
I was mentally freaking out and speed talking (not out loud I found out later). Apparently Kris said that Norah looked right at me and asked if I was ok and I very calmly said yes, which I find baffling. I felt like I was suffocating and being pulled down. I felt like my mind was going to explode or my consciousness was just going to short and then blow up or something. It was so awful. I remember thinking that if I got out of this in one piece, if I wasn’t actually dead, that I would never do anything like this every again.
Then somehow I was in the kitchen sitting in the blue chair and somehow my notepad was there. Kris was standing up in front of me. But none of this seemed real, it was like I was sure I was imagining it all. Because I opened a pen and then he said something like, “Oh you have the cap to the pen”. And I remember wondering why he was concerned about real-life logical stuff in this scene because I was just making it up and why would I make up little weird details like that? All I had been trying to do was leave Kris a note from the other side so that he would know that I still loved him. I finally was able to leave a note and all I could write was, “ I love you” on the paper. And then I remember seeing my hand resting on the paper and seeing a pen trace it and feeling that pen rubbing against all the edges of my fingers.
Then I was on the massage table at one point still feeling like the world was spinning and I was going to get sucked up into it at any moment. I was laying face down and Kris had both his hands on my back and was just sort of pressing down.
Then I was on the sleeping pad again, with everything spinning and just feeling like I was dying. At one point I was sitting up on the little couch and I felt like this was it, this was the moment. I was nauseous and dizzy and heavy and I just knew I couldn’t take anymore. It was the worse feeling ever. Then all of the sudden I heard a backstreet boys song, which I still believe I was playing – I believed everything was coming from my brain and I was amazed that my brain knew the song so perfectly – all of the boys parts, all of the nuanced noises and beats in the song, all of the pauses. It was so weird. I was singing parts of it out loud and then the song stopped and I remember being so sad and just wishing I could think up another one and play it because it was like my life line. Then another backstreet boys song did come on and I was so grateful I was able to project another one. I was slumped down on the couch and I felt like I was drooling on myself. It was the most awful feeling I’ve ever felt.
Then suddenly Kris was holding up my shirt and I wondered what would happen or how it would actually get over my head. But it did and I pulled it down and I remember it felt just awful. It was cold and sweaty and dirty. Then he helped me put my shorts on and I think I put on my own socks and that was the strangest sensation ever. Then I was being shuffled outside.
It still didn’t seem real. It still all felt fake and I felt like I was still swirling and narrowly avoiding death and that everything was happening to me, I was lost in it.
Then I was slumped on the couch outside with Kris sitting next to me and Paul sitting in the chair next to us playing guitar. I remember being sad and wishing that it was real. Then Paul started playing crazy Spanish guitar and I thought how cool it was that I could make him do that with my mind because I knew he couldn’t actually play Spanish guitar in real life.
The whole thing was like an out of body experience. Yet I was still in my body feeling like absolute shit. I had my head leaned back and I was looking up at the tree and just trying to feel stable and steady and wishing that it was over. I remember switching back and forth from having my legs out strait on the coffee table to have my knees bent up and I remember thinking that was a weird posture to be in. then when I had my head leaned back I was moving my head from side to side, rubbing the base of my skull against the back of the couch.
I remember thinking it was dark out and that if I saw the sunrise I would know that I was real and I was still alive, that would be my clue. But the sun never rose and I started to feel sad that maybe I was still lost and that I didn’t know when it would end. Or if it ever would. If this was death and I was stuck here forever.
Then Paul handed the guitar to Kris who was still sitting next to me. Paul laid down on the ground and Norah was laying on her back next to him and she looked really creepy. She was just staring strait up with her eyes wide open. Then Paul crawled across the ground and up into the chaise lounge chair. Then he was back on the ground at one point and he and Norah were sort of spooning. Then Paul sat up and said that his back hurt from laying on that ground for so long.
Norah was sitting on the ground facing me and Paul was sort of on his knees behind her rubbing her back and neck and Norah was narrating it out loud but she was describing my neck pain and I remember being really creeped out by that.
Then Paul went inside and he didn’t come back out.
At one point I started to feel like I could stand up so I did and I managed to get all the way into the house to pee but I was really scared. I didn’t like having to walk past Paul and the house was dark and I felt scared and alone. I went back outside to the couch. I remember having to pee again and I got up and got all the way to the door but I couldn’t go back inside. I tried to squat in the yard and pee but I felt self conscious, like Norah could walk around the corner at any moment and see me.
So I just went back to the couch. I was still slumped and not feeling yet or believing that anything was real or that I was actually out of it. I didn’t believe anything was actually happening.
Kris said later that there was a period there where I didn’t speak for some hours. And that was a weird feeling. It was like when surgery patients describe being numbed and put under but they’re not actually and so the surgeon starts cutting and they can feel everything but they can’t open their mouth to say anything because they’re stuck between worlds.
I remember Norah sitting down on the ground in front of the coffee table and wrapping her sarong around her head and shoulders like a fortune teller or a gypsy or something and she looked super witchy. She looked at me and said, “Are you feeling better about your mom?” and I wondered what the hell she was talking about. I still couldn’t speak. I remember thinking that she was being so cliché and just saying that. I didn’t get it.
Then she brought out a dish of grapes and she gave me one. I looked at it for a while and then I bit it in half. I remember thinking it was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted and how I was able to make up that taste so well in my mind. Then Norah handed me a bunch of them and I was just staring at them in my hand. I kept looking at my hands and seeing these crazy fast moving designs on them that looked like henna art. And my fingers looked fat and dirty and crazy like witches fingers. I pulled off another grape and ate it.
I remember hearing Norah ask Kris what he was looking for because he was poking through the bowl of grapes and he said he was looking for the perfect grape. Then Norah was poking around for one and she was your standards just had to lower a bit as you got down to it.
I still had a few grapes on my bunch but they were tiny and bruised so I let the whole bunch fall onto the floor.
Then Norah looked at me and said wasn’t fruit amazing? Like how with strawberries, there’s a million tiny seeds and they’re all on the outside. But other fruit’s seeds are on the inside and sometimes there’s just one. I remember thinking that was also such a cliché thing to say.
Then Kris started playing Jimi Thing by Dave Matthews, but in a really deconstructed way so it went on forever because he was just riffing, but it was great because he kept playing the familiar notes and over and over and it was so comforting to me because that song makes me feel happy and so I was just trying to grasp on to the sound and just focus on it so that I wouldn’t be consumed by the feeling of dying. I alternated between leaning my head back and looking up at the trees, and lifting my head up to look in Norah’s direction.
I remember there was a pillow on the chair across from me and it had two mermaid looking ladies on it that were swimming around in the pillow. Then at one point Norah got up and moved the fat light bulbs so that they weren’t touching the fabric. I remember thinking again that was such a mundane realistic detail to be paying attention to in this made up scene. Because I still wasn’t in my body and felt that nothing was real. It was like I was having an out of body experience and was just watching my imagination project things.
I also thought it was sort of funny because I was projecting and making up the ideal scene – all of us outside, the guitar music, the beautiful fat light bulbs and the cute outdoor furniture and Paul spooning Norah on the ground – it was the perfect vision. I didn’t realize it was actually real.
At one point I sort of rolled off the couch onto the ground and Norah told me to do some cat cows or something but I didn’t. I just laid there. Then at one point I got into childs pose and hugged a pillow and Norah said “Yeah, that’s it.”
But it still didn’t feel real. It was all fake to me. Even when I was able to start talking again.
Later Kris said that I hadn’t spoken in some hours and the first thing that I did end up saying was really fun but he couldn’t remember what it was. I remember still not being able to say much though and at times not being able to talk, just being able to nod or gesture.
Kris and Norah were talking about music and Norah said she had a crush on Dave Mustain and kris told her the story of how he got kicked out of Metallica. And then how he saw the Big Four concert in new York city with his friend Geoff who died shortly after. He said, “He had a brain aneurism and just up and died.” And Norah said she knew a couple of people who that had happened to.
Norah started talking about the sex ed class Kris was teaching and Kris asked what would be talked about with the girls versus the boys and I laughed and said “the same shit” and Norah agreed. She said the only main difference was explaining orgasm to girls versus boys because the boys had a physical meter of arousal and a physical sign of orgasm – the semen shooting out. But the girls didn’t have that. She said it was much harder for girls to figure out how to touch themselves let alone to teach someone else how to do it.
At one point Norah went inside for something…I think she made Kris tea or something. I rolled over into a ball facing away from the seating area and started crying. Kind of softly, but I felt like I could’ve bawled if I wanted to and I liked the visual of me laying on the earth crying and kicking and screaming but I didn’t. I just laid there and cried. Norah came back out and I know Kris had seen me cry and I was mad that he hadn’t come to lay next to me to comfort me. And then their conversation just carried on and I wished that they would’ve cared more that I was crying. I felt sad for all the babies that cry and for all the people that don’t take the time to tune in to what they need.
Then I sat up cross legged. I never blew my nose or anything even though it was really clogged. Then Norah asked if I wanted broth and I did so she went inside to heat some up. She came back out and handed me the mug and I realized I was still really super tripping because holding it felt so foreign to me. I remember wondering how I was able to hold it. How I knew how to apply the perfect amount of pressure – enough to keep it from falling out of my hand, but not so much that I crushed the glass with my hand. It was the craziest feeling and I couldn’t hold the mug for too long of a time. I’d have to take a sip and set it down. Norah asked if it was too spicy and I said no and she said she was surprised, but that she’d found that people from Arizona and new mexico could generally handle spice well.
I still wasn’t in my body and still didn’t believe I was back in reality and wasn’t going to regress back to an incapacitated state. It was all still very surreal and very much felt imagined.
I think Norah went inside for good shortly after that. I asked Kris to come down on the ground with me and then at that point I told him how horrible the whole thing had been. How terrified I had been, how I felt like I almost died and how traumatic the night was – the worst night of my life. I said I felt angry at him for “making” me do it, even though I knew that was crazy and he obviously didn’t make me. I took it on my own free will, but realized I completely ignored my instinct – mistaking it for fear and pushing myself to move beyond it. I said I was angry too because they had all wanted to get a hotel room or an airbnb a couple of weeks ago to do it and I said I was absolutely terrified at what would’ve happened had we done that. I said I was glad I was a stick in the mud about it – I had refused to get a hotel or an airbnb and did not like the idea of going to a cabin out of town like they all suggested. Thank fuck we were at a friends house and even that was bad in its own way. Being at home would’ve been so much better. The feeling of being at someone else’s house and having to be so conscious of not messing anything up was such a gigantic weight and really interfered. It was taxing on my mind. He looked really sad and said he just was very sad for me that it had turned out that way and that I’d had to go through that. We were out there talking for quite some time.
I said I was mad at him too because he had told me that I would not care at all about having the comforts of home and that ended up being bullshit – I absolutely did care and wanted to be go the fuck home. I said I really really wanted to go home even still in that moment. I just wanted to crawl into my own bed and be at home. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t’ want to sleep on the living room floor in the same room where I’d had that terrible experience. I wanted to go home and for it to just be over. And I didn’t want to have breakfast with them in the morning. I didn’t want to do the small talk thing and have them laugh about what a bad trip I had or make light of it or think I was being dramatic.
Eventually we went back inside because he was really tired. I was so irritated when we went inside because it was so dark and Norah and Paul were asleep on the floor but I just wanted to turn all the lights on and get my bearings. We went out front to the car to get all of our shit and pillows and I said I did not want to go back inside. I asked if we could just go home because it seemed more awkward to drag all our shit inside and tip toe around setting it up amongst Norah and Paul. He really did not want to go home and I felt like I couldn’t make him take me because I was still tripping and would not have been able to drive and that meant he was in the same place so that wasn’t fair or safe.
We went back inside and I got in the shower because I just felt dirty. I started cleaning under my nails and my hands still looked totally fat and disgusting and I remember thinking I understood why meth heads scratched their skin off and ripped their nails off because I’d had to stop myself and remind myself that it wasn’t real. That my fingers weren’t actually fat and covered in warts and that they probably weren’t as dirty as they looked. It was so weird.
Then I went and laid down and was just mad because I was still tripping and it was actually enjoyable at that poinit and I wanted music on and lights on and to talk or fuck or have an orgasm and enjoy what little of it was left but instead I was trapped on this sleeping pad in the living room and I felt like that was so unfair. Then Paul started snoring and I just was so fucking irritated. I needed privacy and I felt so trapped. I needed somewhere to go and be alone with Kris and ground and I just didn’t have it there. Kris was dead tired though and so it sucked that he was in a different place. It was awful to be never on the same wavelength with any of them.
Eventually I rolled over and just sort of laid there and I think Kris fell asleep at some point. It was awful laying there because I couldn’t sleep and so my mind was just replaying all the traumatic scenes of the night and I hated it. But I didn’t want to go out front because I was naked. And I didn’t want to go out back because there were roaches I’d heard and I didn’t want any mosquito bites. It sucked.
Then music came on – it was probably a couple of hours later. It was Norah. I cracked open my eyes and the sun was barely coming up. I just continued laying there. I didn’t feel like getting up or talking or anything. And it was really hot in there, humid too.
I started to smell bacon cooking and then Kris kind of rolled over. I still was just laying there. At one point Norah came over and asked if we wanted to join them for food. I nodded. Then I looked over at Kris. I just started crying. I was so sad about what had happened the night before. It was so awful.
I got up and got dressed and peed and splashed some water on my face and tried to stop crying and we went outside where they had set up the food. The bacon was so good and so was the coffee. Paul came outside and he looked very sad, almost like he had been crying too. We didn’t look at each other at all.
Everyone talked over breakfast, but not about last night. We talked about music or math being the universal language and why. And other sort of interesting concepts like that.
Then Norah and Paul cleaned up and left. I hugged them both goodbye and then they all went outside – Kris had to move our car out of the way. I sat down in a chair and just cried and cried. I felt so incredibly sad and kept having unsettling flashbacks to the night before. Kris came back in and asked if I wanted to go home and I said yes. But I stood up and then immediately laid down on the sleeping pad and kept crying. He laid down next to me and we snuggled while I cried. I never sobbed though and I thought about asking him to go outside so I could be alone and kick and scream and cry but I didn’t.
Eventually we got up and packed up and I could barely function. I didn’t help him carry anything out. I went into the kitchen to see if we had missed anything and I saw my notepad. I flipped the page over and I saw my note where I had written I love you and he had traced my hand and I started crying again at the thought that that was actually real, that had happened and I had really been in that place. I walked out of the kitchen and Kris was there and we hugged and I kept crying. Then I just went and sat in the car while he brought many more loads of stuff out.
We went home and our fucking airbnb guest was still here. She was just the worst possible guest we could’ve had in that moment. A little asian twat face who was just like a little annoying cartoon character. She was in the bathroom forever and I desperately needed to shower and lay in my bed. I brought all the stuff in and put all the food away and she was still in there so I knocked and said I needed to get in there.
I showered and then laid down and Kris came and laid with me. We talked and talked and then he had a boner and we had sex and it was really nice. Then he went down on me and I had the longest orgasm of my entire life. It was great.
I still wasn’t totally back to normal though. My mind was still racing and my body was still vibrating and I just couldn’t stop talking about it. And I was so glad I hadn’t actually died and was here in real life with Kris. It was so crazy. At some point we went in the kitchen to get food. I made an egg on toast and took it back to eat in bed. It didn’t taste very good and the thought that the yolk would’ve been a baby chicken really grossed me out. Then we just kept talking and talking.
At one point the asian chick actually knocked on our bedroom door. I would never dream of doing that to a host. And what did she want? To ask what she should do with her little sack of trash. Um, throw it in the fucking trash can. Are you serious?
Anyway. After we knew she had left we went into the living room and I think maybe ate a little more. I think I might’ve gone to nap or something because I was laying down by myself for a while and then Kris came in and we cuddled and he got another huge boner. I was dead tired but actually wanted to have sex so he crawled on top of me and we had like the best sex ever. I was super into it and was grinding against him and making noise and we were so connected and I didn’t have an orgasm but it was the best sex had ever felt for me.
Then he drove me to Kelly’s – she was probably the only person I would’ve kept plans with that day. She worked on me as I talked about my experience and we tried to pick out little nuggets of wisdom to glean from it. She brought up the power of no – as I hadn’t listened to my intuition and felt like I couldn’t say no because I couldn’t explain logically why I didn’t want to. But that I never needed a reason for no. then we went outside and walked out to the man made lake behind her apartments and sat on the grass and talked and laughed and she massaged my wrist and then stood behind me and scratched my head and rubbed my neck. It was all very nice and felt great.
Kris and I didn’t say a word on the ride home, which was funny. We got home and he put on a movie. I went to the bedroom and ended up napping for 3 hours. He came in at one point and laid down and fell asleep and then I woke up to the sound of thunder and got out of bed to go out front. It was 6:30pm at that point. 27 hours after taking the LSD. I watched the end of a crazy thunder and rain storm and finally felt grounded and like it was officially over. My body wasn’t vibrating anymore and I felt “normal”.