Hygiene Products That Commercials Make You Think You Need

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Deodorant

Two years ago I stopped using deodorant.  Or, I should say - I stopped using the kind that is full of chemicals and aluminum and comes in a stick they sell at the store.  At first I was totally freaked out by the idea.  But in an ongoing effort to live a toxin-free lifestyle I bought one of those salt crystal deodorants they sell at the health food store and figured I'd give it a go.  Paranoid as I was, I waited until a Saturday to try it out in the event that it went horribly wrong and I started smelling like a gorilla overnight.  At least I would only offend my girlfriend and not my entire workplace.

So I woke up that Saturday morning, took a shower, and rubbed on the salt stick.  What do you know, I went the whole day without smelling like a gorilla.  The next morning I caught a faint wiff of BO, but I just washed my armpits and rubbed some more salt on.  Sure enough, the smell was gone again for the whole day.  Finally the work week came back around and I kept up the experiment.  Surprisingly, it withstood any test I threw at it; deadlines, client meetings, hot cars, the whole bit.  Not once did I catch a wiff and think "holy shit, I stink."  Furthermore, after a week or so I started smelling like a normal human again instead of a walking chemical hygiene product, and I realized I kind of liked it.  It felt more natural.

I suppose you could consider it a drawback that you have to wash your armpits each time before you apply the salt stick, otherwise it won't work.  Whereas before I could just wake up on a Saturday, no shower, slap on some deodorant and call it good.  But that's a small price to pay for feeling and smelling much more like a natural human being.  And you know what else?  That chemical deodorant shit masks pheromones, the ones that make women want to eat you for lunch.  Advertisements would have you think that fake ass cologne scented Old Spice bullshit is what women want.  But nature makes us smell the way we do for a reason, and it turns out women are naturally, even subconsciously drawn to natural human scent.  Derp!

Cologne/Perfume

Again, it turns out people smell they way they do naturally for a reason.  When babies are born, the smell they and the mothers have are there to connect and bond the two.  The same thing goes for adults.  Nature has created receptors in our brains to actually enjoy the way other humans smell.  And by "smell" I don't mean two weeks without a shower funk. I mean a human's natural everyday scent.  Commercials would have you believe that they way humans smell naturally is to be avoided at all costs, but that's how they make money.  Sadly we have become conditioned to prefer artificial scents, I did at one point too.  But once you and your partner stop using artificial scents, you realize that its 1000 times better.  So much to the point that whenever you are around someone wearing perfume or cologne, you feel totally violated.

Shaving cream

Yup, this stuff is really bad too.  Its full of chemicals and toxins that are terrible for you. Not only that, every time you rub it all over your face and then shave with it you are basically shaving off a layer of protective skin and rubbing these chemicals in even further.  You're essentially poisoning yourself every time you shave.  So what should you do instead?  Well, you can use some kind of healthy organic soap if you want, but ultimately you don't need anything but warm water.  I know that sounds crazy, but just try it for a week.  Its all I use.  I just wet my face with warm water, and dip the razor in warm water after each pass.  My face doesn't get all tore up, its super smooth, and I didn't have to slather my face with toxic bullshit in order to get it that way. I was just conditioned to think I needed shaving cream. 

Toothpaste

You know when you go to the dentist and they scrape all that hard tartar shit off your teeth for a half an hour each time?  It sucks, right?  You know what that tartar build up actually is?  Fucking toothpaste!  Not food, actual toothpaste residue.  About 2 years ago I stopped buying store bought toothpaste.  Instead I bought a big bag of this stuff called bentonite clay powder.  It's literally just clay.  A giant bag of cost me $6 and after two years I'm still not even half way through it.  I would have spent 10x as much on toothpaste during that same span.  To use it, I dump some into a little tin, drop about 4 or 5 drops of peppermint essential oil in it, and shake it around.  Voila!  Toothpaste.

Then when I go to brush, I just run my toothbrush under the faucet to get it wet, dip it in the powder, and run it under again to moisten it all up.  Then I just brush my teeth as normal.  No, my teeth haven't turned brown from the clay.  And you know what else, its been over two years and I have literally ZERO tartar buildup on my teeth.  I used to have to go to the dentist every 6 months to get that shit scraped off. Now I have none.  It's like the toothpaste industry is conspiring with the dentists to keep the money rolling in.

Just follow my bad ass oral hygiene routine and you can pretty much fuck off "maintenance" dentistry for good.  Some people brush their teeth twice a day - I don't, and I don't think you need to either.  Especially since I'm no longer coating them with bullshit store bought tartar-inducing toothpaste.  Every night I just brush my teeth with the clay, floss with a speed flosser, scrape my tongue with a tongue scraper, and rinse my mouth with salt water. 

I'm not saying you'll never need to go to the dentist ever again, or that you'll never get another cavity or whatever.  I'm just saying that eliminating the crap toothpaste (and flossing every day) will save you from having to go every six months to get the bullshit toothpaste residue scraped off your teeth.

Shampoo/Conditioner

This stuff is the worst.  Especially if you use the really shitty cheap kind they sell at grocery stores.  Its so full of toxins you wouldn't believe it.  At this point you might be asking "if all this stuff is so bad for you, then why are they allowed to sell it?"  The short answer is because our system is fucked, and no one has your actual best interest in mind.  In other industrialized nations, any company that produces health products is basically guilty until proven innocent.  They have to go through an absurd amount of testing for years before something can be deemed "safe".  Here in the U.S., its the other way around.  Companies are innocent until proven guilty.  In other words, they can release just about anything onto the unsuspecting public, and as long as no one turns green after using it twice, its pretty much deemed "safe".  'Merica!  Never mind the fact that its slowly poisoning you every day for the rest of your life.  People think they just get cancer randomly.  Perhaps, but slathering your body in toxic chemicals every single day doesn't help.  And the funny thing is, its actually really easy to live a toxic free lifestyle.

Anyway, back to shampoo, ever hear of sodium laurel sulfate?  That shit is like super poison.  Its the stuff that makes shampoo and soap foam up in the shower.  And because advertisements have conditioned us idiots that shampoo only works if its foaming like a motherfucker, they then put loads of that SLS crap in it, and we think "this foamy shampoo works GREAT!"  Well you know what?  The foam doesn't mean shit.  You know what I use to wash my hair?  A bar of Dr. Bronner's castille soap.  Yes, a BAR.  I just wet it and rub it on my wet hair just like I do the rest of my body.  And you know what else, it gets pretty foamy anyway.  And most importantly, my hair is clean as shit when I'm done.  And I can rest easy knowing I didn't slather toxic chemicals all over my head.

Conditioner?  What the fuck even is conditioner anyway?  You know why you need conditioner?  Because the folks in the fucking Prell commercial said you do so they can make twice as much money while you slather twice as many chemicals all over your scalp.  Wonder why you're going bald?  Hmmm.  You know what happens if you don't use conditioner?  Fucking nothing.

Fabric softener

I really shouldn't even have to explain this one.  In fact, you can apply the same thing I said about conditioner to this.  You know why you need fabric softener?  Because that stupid teddy bear in the Bounce commercial says you do.  You know what happens if you don't use Bounce?  ...Yep, fucking nothing.  Your clothes don't instantly turn into sandpaper or anything.  What about "static cling" you ask?  That's some made up bullshit.  I haven't used fabric softener in years and never once have I walked out of the house with a sock stuck to my pants.  So stop infusing your clothes with more toxic chemicals and perfumes because a bullshit teddy bear on TV told you to.


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