How Not to F*ck Up Homemade Peanut Butter

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You have to make your own nut butter. There’s just nothing like it. 

I’ve made peanut butter a few times in my vita mix, but it was a pain in the fucking ass because I have an old piece of shit vitamix. I mean, it’s not a piece of shit, some things it does brilliantly, but it’s nowhere near up to snuff. 

But alas! I have recently purchased a food processor. For $5. On Goodwill half off day. And it is the greatest thing ever. 

All you do to make peanut butter is buy (don’t steal) some fucking ROASTED peanuts, dump them in your food processor, turn it on and leave it for a few minutes. 

I highlight ROASTED because once I made peanut butter with RAW peanuts thinking I was being all healthy and shit. Yeah. That shit was nasty. Because peanuts are legumes. Which makes them not taste like nuts at all. Cuz they’re not. So what it tasted like was pureed raw beans. In a bad way. 

Anyway, my first time making PB in my food processor was also cool because I could see everything that was happening. Nut butters go through very distinct phases before they actually turn into butter. 

First is just gets diced up. Then it gets crumbly. Then it starts to get oily, but still crumbly, then it starts to look smooth but still dense, then it turns into creamy delicious butter.

So, I was at the “oily but still crumbly” phase. The shit looked like it need some help, so I took a wooden spoon, stuck the handle into the food processor’s shoot (with it still on and processing) and started nudging everything along. This worked great and was helping with the blending process, but then all of the sudden the shit turned into a dense ball and took my fucking wood spoon with it! I wasn’t prepared for the sheer force of that ball of nut butter!

It shredded, and I mean SHREDDED my wooden spoon in the blink of an eye. I turned the thing off and the shit still looked crumbly enough to me, so I dumped all the crumbles out and picked the wood chips out of it. 

Because I’m too cheap to throw it out. Too cheap to throw out the $3 batch of peanut butter that now had wood chips in it. 

Once I had thoroughly picked it over, I put it back in and finished processing, and it turned into the most delicious and delightful peanut butter ever. But there’s a teeny tiny wood chip in every other bite. They’re too small to hurt anybody, too small to shred your ass when you poop them out, and too small for probably anyone to notice but me.

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