How I Discovered I Am A Sexual Healer
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This has turned out to be my most personal blog post to date. In fact I was reluctant to even post it because originally it was just supposed to be a personal writing exercise to help me process these thoughts and feelings. I never intended it to be public, but then I realized that the most private things are also the most important things to share because that’s what helps everyone to grow. So without further ado, here is the inside of my head.
Over the past couple of months I have encountered multiple situations that have caused me to stop and think about my sexuality and what it means to me. And by sexuality, I don’t mean sexual orientation, but rather who I am sexually attracted to and why. I have noticed that the types of people that I identify on paper as an ideal sexual partner are different than the types of people that I have recently found myself sexually attracted to in real life.
I also realized that I LOVE to help people in general, I always have.
In high school I even had a reputation as like the unofficial counselor to all my friends. I would sit on the phone for hours helping people work through their issues. It’s a wonder I didn’t end up a counselor once I got older. But what I’m noticing now is that my desire to help people has merged with my strong connection to sexuality.
I encounter lots of women who are either single moms, newly single moms, or women in some sort of...dysfunctional relationship (for lack of a better word). Some of them have much more stable situations than others. And lately I have been sexually attracted to several of them. At first I thought it was just because they were, you know, “my type” physically. That I would be attracted to them regardless of their life circumstances. But my girlfriend, Katie, kept bringing up the fact that they all share similar traits that the “helper” side of me is drawn to. I initially disagreed but then I thought I’d do this little writing exercise to see if I could gain some more insight on the situation.
So I thought about it, and even though each of the women’s situations are unique and different, they all wanted to experience a loving/sexual connection with a man. But their life circumstances were such that they didn’t really have the time or the inclination to date, or establish a connection with a man, or weren’t ready to have it turn into another serious relationship. Yet their hearts and minds and bodies were longing to be - as David Deida would say - fucked open to God.
Now I am a very sexual being. I love sex in all it’s forms. I love simple, passionate lovemaking where it’s all about the energy and the kissing, but I also love engaging in some of the nastiest, dirtiest stuff you can even imagine. I am truly all over the sexual map, and there is definitely some kink in me that is bursting to get out from time to time. But I suppose that’s a different story for a different day.
I think about human sexuality all the time, a healthy obsession you might say. I make a concerted effort to learn about it from all angles, and I pride myself at being a good lover. It’s very important to me that my partners feel just as much or more amazing than I do afterwards. I relish the idea of helping a woman to come out of her shell and embrace her sexuality in any direction she desires.
And when I talk to a woman who has tons of life constraints, but longs for that type of experience, I can’t help but feel a strong desire to give them that experience. But It’s not like I see them as vulnerable, and I’m this big strong man swooping in to save the day, or I have some fetish with vulnerable women and I just want to have sex with them so I can feel powerful. Actually to me that thought is pretty deplorable. Plus I have a wonderful partner who I have regular and satisfying sex with all the time, so I’m coming from a place of desperation either.
If I had to come up with an analogy, I would liken it to Christmas. You know, the old adage that giving a gift is always better than receiving one. I’m not looking for anything in return out of the deal. I just love to give the gift of great sex to women who really need it. I get so much satisfaction from making a woman feel like a woman should in the most primal and sexual way. To me, that is what it’s all about.
I find myself so drawn to these women because I am in a unique position to give them what they want, and I don’t require any investment or commitment from them in return. And if what I get out of it in return is a sense of satisfaction from helping them get their needs met, well I don’t have a problem with it, and honestly I don’t think there is anything wrong with it either.
Katie says I’m like a male sex surrogate, and that females need that sort of thing too. I suppose that’s true in some sense, except for the fact that I don’t think such a thing exists. Not officially anyway. I know there are female sex surrogates, but I don’t think I’m coming from that kind of a place. Nor do I think I would ever charge money for something like that. Actually the more I think about it, I don’t want to apply any kind of a label to it at all. I don’t think it needs one. I think I’ve already explained where I’m coming from, and that’s all that really matters.
Another thing that crossed my mind is - what makes me so special? I’m sure there’s thousands, perhaps even millions of men out there who think they’re great at sex. I suppose a fair amount of them even are great at sex. All I can say is that I am an evolved human being who is well in touch with the divine masculine and feminine, sex to me is far more than just a physical act, and I am simply quite knowledgeable and practiced in the art of sex. I have been in long-term relationships for nearly all of my adult life and have probably engaged in some kind of sexual activity more than 1000 times in the past 5 years alone. All of that has to count for something, right?
So what do I mean by “in touch with the divine masculine and feminine? Again - I will reference David Deida as he’s pretty much the authority on this subject. Through his writings I have come to learn that all humans each have a masculine and feminine essence within them. For the masculine essence, you will see traits like direction, focus, and perseverance. And for the feminine essence you will see traits like love, openness, and compassion. This is a very brief overview of something that is very deep, but my point is that as a result of this deep understanding, I feel like I “get” humans on a deeper level than most people. And when a woman is in her most feminine space, when she is channeling love and openness through her body, when she is completely present and transparent, I can meet her in that space and channel the divine masculine energy to create a sexual polarity that fulfills those primal desires within her. As opposed to freaking out at her openness and recoiling or thinking she’s a bit of a freak. I know how to embrace it, and honor it, and love it. To me that’s what being in touch with the divine masculine and feminine means.
Another question is why sex (specifically) as a vehicle for opening and healing women?
As opposed to, I don’t know, dance lessons or a workout class or something. Well, I feel like sex has the ability to help a woman break out of her shell like few other things. Especially if it’s a very small shell created by years of dysfunction. Sex has a way of making a woman feel sexy and beautiful, and empowered and strong and primal, and most importantly, it allows her to exist in her natural feminine state.
I feel like this is especially true if it’s a situation where there is no possibility of a long-term relationship. They don’t have to worry about what they say, or if their hair looks right, or if their life goals match up. When they can just let loose and be free and enjoy the moment for what it is, with no baggage and no strings attached, they can really get the most out of it.
They can use the exercise to become comfortable with being assertive and exercising healthy boundaries. They can learn to vocalize what they want or don’t want without fear of judgment. They can try new things that they might have been afraid to initiate with former partners. Or conversely, they can simply allow themselves to be fully taken by conscious and present masculine energy. It’s a truly 100% open environment where they have complete control of the situation.
I feel like this is something that has been building inside of me for some years now, but it has only been recently that I thought of all this in exactly this way. I guess I just felt like this isn’t the kind of thing that many women would gravitate to, or that women were even wired in such a way that they would entertain this kind of an idea. But after sharing it with a few close friends, not only did they disagree, but they thought I’d be perfect at it. So here I am, a sexual healer, I feel like it suits me, but it’s also probably the last thing I ever imagined I’d be.
I suppose I still don’t quite know what all this means. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna put a big sign on my house that says Kris Bullock - Sexual Healer, and it’s not like I’m gonna start a practice and schedule appointments or anything. But at the same time, based on my personal connections and friendship circles, I seem to encounter an inordinate amount of women that fit this category. Women that I already know and am friends with. And there are several of them that I feel could very much benefit from something like this. So maybe by simply just floating this notion out there it will resonate with a few of them and we’ll just see what happens.
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