One Man's Rant After Providing an Ejaculate Sample

For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I had a recent vasectomy. Following said vasectomy, and roughly 35 post-vasectomy ejaculations, I went to a lab and provided a semen sample to confirm sterility. 

The experience was less than ideal. So much so that I contacted the lab directly. Here is exactly what I wrote:

"Yesterday I went in for a semen analysis following a vasectomy I had about 6 weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to expect as I had never done anything like that before, but I at least envisioned a room with some modicum of comfort within. I get that you are lab company and that SA's {semen analysis} are only a small part of what you do, so I wasn't expecting a cushy room with a nice bed and soft lighting, but what I ended up experiencing was frankly inappropriate and a little disrespectful. It was just a cold, stark exam room with two chairs.

I don't know if you know how men normally masturbate, but this created some serious logistical issues.

At first I tried standing up, but realized that I would have to bend over in a very awkward way to catch everything cleanly in the cup, so that wasn't going to work. It's not the same thing at all as urinating into a cup.

Next I tried sitting in one of the chairs but quickly realized that I would have to essentially hold the cup upside down in that position, which would have made the semen dribble all over myself and none in the cup. Again, it's nothing like peeing.

In the end I resorted to laying down on the cold hard floor so that I could angle the cup in such a way that it was even physically possible to catch the semen without spilling it. I'm a very easy going person, but this is frankly unacceptable. It also made the whole process take several minutes longer than it would have otherwise.

Contrary to what you might think, men can't just easily and quickly ejaculate on command.

And there were several factors here that made the process far more difficult than it should have been. I would suggest at the very least, a surface that men can lie down on. It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't even need a cushion, but it shouldn't be the floor. A chair of any kind is physically impossible, and standing may be an option for some men, but probably not most. Please see that this gets addressed for the sake of other poor men going forward."

A day or two later I was pleasantly surprised when a very nice woman from the lab called me in response. I could tell right away that she was nervous. She apologized profusely and said that she was mortified when she read my email.

She showed it to the entire staff and told me that they had made multiple changes to their process as a result. She also wanted me to know that they did have a dedicated room for SA collections to take place. And in this room they had a fully-reclinable chair that men could use, along with a radio to drown out outside noise. But apparently this room was in use when I was there for my appointment. As a result of my experience they set up a second room with a lockable door and an exam table that could also be used in a pinch.

She also said I was a very good writer and that she appreciated the level of description that I used. I was quite pleased by all this. I knew that the woman had taken the time to hunt down my phone number since I intentionally left it off the email form for this very reason. I didn't want someone to have to make that call. I didn't need that type of response, I just needed corrective action to take place. So of course when she called, I was very polite to her, and even told her that she was brave for taking the time to reach out to me directly. She said that she considered emailing me but that she felt the situation warranted direct communication.

By the end of the conversation we both became much more relaxed and were essentially complimenting each other on how nice the other one was. It was sort of comical. I also reveled in the fact that I could turn a very difficult situation for someone into such a positive and uplifting experience. Not only did my bad experience affect change for other men going forward, but I was able to turn someone's shit day into a great thing that I'm sure she will remember and recount for years to come.

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